Purim is a holiday on which Jews are expected to get tipsy, wear costumes and do silly things – including posting completely imaginary and false interviews with the President of the United States on news websites that are perfectly serious on all the other days of the year.

By Tom Teicholz, Jewish Journal, February 23, 2010

http://www.jewishjournal.com/ tommywood/article/qa_with_mel_brooks_20100223/

JewishJournal.com exclusive audio:
Interview with Mel Brooks
Mel Brooks sings
Mel Brooks is on a hot streak: He was just a Kennedy Center Honoree (along with Dave Brubeck, Robert De Niro, Grace Bumbry and Bruce Springsteen); 20th Century Fox just released “The Mel Brooks Collection” in Blu-ray — a nine-DVD set that includes “Blazing Saddles,” “Young Frankenstein” and “Spaceballs,” among other classics; and Shout! Factory has released “The 2000 Year Old Man: The Complete History,” a three-CD, one-DVD set that collects the various incarnations in which Carl Reiner, the world’s greatest straight man, interviews a visitor who’s survived since ancient times and who speaks in a thick Jewish accent to hilarious effect.

Brooks discussed all this, and a bit more, recently in a phone interview from the offices of his production company. I am glad that I taped our conversation, because I was so excited to talk to him that I stopped taking notes after the first few questions. This is an edited version of our conversation.

Tom Teicholz: You were honored recently at the Kennedy Center in Washington, and on TV it looked like you and Bruce Springsteen were kibitzing during the whole show —
Mel Brooks: Oh yeah, well, you know I’m a big fan, and I’ve got all his — we used to call them records — [and] we were talking about how wonderful the evening was and how honored we felt sitting next to the president.

TT: When the President originally announced your award you sort of interrupted him, too.
MB: I kind of did. … You know, I’m Jewish and irrepressible.

TT: Were you always interrupting people, even as a child?
MB:The minute I could talk, I interrupted people. Because I needed things.

TT: You needed things?
MB: I always needed things. I needed a bagel with cream cheese. I needed things, and I kept asking for them from the minute I could speak.

TT: Carl Reiner, in an interview that’s included in ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ box set, says you were the same way in the room on ‘Your Show of Shows,’ you were the tummler.
MB: Yes, I used to do that in the Borscht Belt in the mountains. I kept the Jewish guests happy around the pool. I amused them with bad jokes, like, ‘You can’t keep Jews in jail. They eat lox.’ Or ‘[I was dating] a girl who was so thin the waiter said, “Can I check your umbrella?”’ Just bad, bad Borscht Belt humor, but, you know, it was a pleasure.

TT: There were a lot of funny guys in that famous writers’ room on ‘Your Show of Shows.’ Who, in your opinion, was funniest? Who made you laugh?
MB: They were some of the funniest guys in the world. There was Mel Tolkin, our head writer, [who] had a slight Russian Jewish comedian accent — he was very funny.

TT: I’ve heard that Mel Tolkin is the underrated comedy genius of that group.
MB: He used to break me up a lot. He was kind of my mentor, too. He helped me, showed me the ropes in comedy writing.

TT: There’s also that story about how he recommended a psychiatrist for you.
MB: I went to a psychiatrist, and the guy wouldn’t take me. He said, ‘I’ll find someone else for you, you’re too nervous for me.’

TT: Who were some of the other writers who made you laugh?
MB: In the room there were people besides Mel, like Larry Gelbart, very funny and very quick; and Carl Reiner, himself — he used to hang around the writers’ room, he was really funny. For a short while, there was Woody Allen. Woody was brilliant: dry wit, you had to listen closely. And then there was Neil Simon, who you never heard. ‘Doc’ Simon used to whisper in Carl’s ear, and Carl would say, ‘Neil has the joke,’ and then he would say the joke because Neil was too shy to say the joke.

TT: One of the other comments Reiner makes about ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ that I found fascinating was that after World War II, after the Holocaust, Jewish humor — sounding like an old Jew —  was off limits.
MB: Yes, it was not politically correct. It was not in any way correct. We only did the [‘2,000 Year Old Man’ routine] for friends, mostly Jews. So we thought we were on safe ground with the Jewish accent. It was the nature of the questions and answers — Steve Allen said, ‘You’ve got to put it on record.’

TT: It’s interesting that a lot of your humor is at the same time outrageous and in some ways old-fashioned.
MB:Yes. Old-fashioned, I always felt, is good. We can go back to Maimonides. Old-fashioned is good. The New Testament, to my mind, is OK, but not quite as hip and brilliant as the Old Testament. So, old-fashioned … is good.

TT: There was a period when your movie work seemed to taper off, before the Broadway version of ‘The Producers.’ Did you think, ‘That’s it, it’s over?’
MB: It’s true. When you’re first discovered, they make a fuss over you. Four, five movies later, instead of ‘It’s a Mel Brooks movie!’ [you get] ‘It’s another Mel Brooks movie.’ You’ve got to live with that. But then 10 years go by, and it becomes a classic … 20th Century Fox is issuing nine Mel Brooks movies with a whole book about my life and pictures from each movie. It’s quite good. It’s the Blu-ray edition, it’s not the hologram edition; you’ll have to wait for the hologram edition — that hasn’t come out yet. I’m kidding. … It’s amazing that there’s an ebb and flow, and there [are] tides in your life. Suddenly, I’m very hot, with the Kennedy Honors, ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ and now the Blu-ray edition.

TT: You had this amazing second wind with ‘The Producers.’
MB: That got the most Tonys ever given to a Broadway show. It’s amazing: I just wanted to open the door; I didn’t want to break it down.

TT: Seeing the Kennedy Center Honors honoring your work, it turns out you are a song-and-dance man, as much as a comedian.
MB: Turns out that there’s a lot of George M. Cohan [in me]. In my neighborhood, we called him Cohen. When I was a kid, we took him as our own. George M. Cohan wrote a lot of Broadway musicals and did what I later followed in his footsteps [doing]. I did the book [for ‘The Producers’] together with Tom Meehan. I would write the music and the lyrics.

TT: You could probably put on a revue, ‘The Songs of Mel Brooks.’
MB: I probably couldn’t. I could get on a stage, get a moderate-sized audience and [sing] songs. … Like [breaks into song] :

‘Here I am…
I’m Melvin Brooks
I’ve come to stop the show
Just a ham who’s minus looks
But in your hearts I’ll grow!
I tell you gags, I’ll sing you songs
Happy little snappy tunes that roll along
I’m out of my mind
Won’t you be kind?
And, please love
Melvin Brooks.’

That’s my first song that I did in the mountains. It would be greeted with a little applause, a little of [he groans], a lot of you’d hear ‘English! English!’ … because a lot of Jews, when they found out they were in for a night of English, they were very unhappy. I had only a few Yiddish jokes, and my Yiddish to this day is rather limited.
My grandmother spoke Yiddish. Her English wasn’t so terrific. She knew a few English words, like ‘subway.’ She didn’t even know fenster for window. She knew ‘vindow.’ But my mother, who came here when she was 3, her name was Brookman, she actually had an Irish accent. You say, ‘Why? Why did Mel Brooks’ mother have an Irish accent? That’s crazy! Why?’

TT: Why?
MB: She was 3 years old, and when she went to school all the teachers were Irish, and she thought that’s the way you speak English. You know [how] we say in the Brooklyn accent ‘Thirty-third and Third’? That’s all from Ireland.

TT: That’s funny.
MB: It’s true. I’m half-Irish, without knowing it.

TT: When you originally did ‘The 2000 Year Old Man,’ you were in fact quite young — now you are closer, at least in comedy years, to being 2,000.
MB: That’s very funny …. [laughs] I’m approaching that 2,000-year-old guy for real!

TT: Does the advice [from] ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ still work?
MB: The good jokes still work, even if they are [outdated]. Even if the things are not there anymore. I don’t know if the products that I mentioned are still [there].

TT: Nectarines are still a good fruit.
MB: Nectarines are still good.

TT: No fried foods is still good advice.
MB: Yes.

TT: But there are a few better products since then than wax paper.
MB: We mention that! Carl says, ‘What about the heart-lung machine?’ I said, I believe, on the record: ‘That was good. That was good. Hard to get into the medicine cabinet, but that was good.’
Some things are really dated, but we never did anything political. We always did [material about] the human condition. Human behavior. [Carl would say:] ‘What were the means of transportation a thousand years ago?’ I’d say: ‘Fear. A lion would come behind you, you’d move.’
A lot of the jokes from the early record still work. On the first album there are four or five characters … that people don’t know about. [The German Psychiatrist, The Third Best Poet, The Astronaut, etc.]

TT: At the Kennedy Center Honors, Carl Reiner said he wanted to get you back in the studio to record again.
MB: We might. But I said to Carl, ‘If we do it, let’s do it like the first record: Don’t tell me what you’re going to ask, I don’t even want to know the subject. We’ll just ad-lib it like we did the first two records.’

TT: Carl Reiner has written several books and several volumes of autobiography. When are you going to write your book, your story?
MB: I’m not old enough yet. I’m only 83. When I get to be 93, I’ll start thinking about, ‘Maybe I should write an autobiography?’
Tom Teicholz is a film producer in Los Angeles. Everywhere else, he’s an author and journalist who has written for The New York Times Sunday Magazine, Interview and The Forward. His column appears here regularly, and his blog can be found at jewishjournal.com/tommywoodtheblog. © Copyright 2010 The Jewish Journal and JewishJournal.com
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In his usual tongue-in-cheek style, Israel Zwick presents a plan for obtaining international acceptance and support for the Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria.

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, December 21, 2009

Though he lived in Chicago, Barack Obama is probably too young to be familiar with Elvis Presley’s sentimental hit song, “In the Ghetto,” about a boy growing up in a Chicago ghetto. He probably is also unaware that the term “ghetto” originally referred to an area in Venice in the 16th century where Jews were confined. Jewish ghettos continued to be established throughout Europe through the end of World War II. Barack Obama may also be unaware that for the last 150 years there have been small Jewish settlements in Montana, where Jews have no cultural or historical attachments. So what does any of this have to do with Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria?

Knowing the dire conditions of urban ghettos, it unlikely that a humanitarian such as Barack Obama would support the establishment of ghettos for any ethnic group. President Obama would most likely also support the rights of Jews to establish settlements in Montana even if they have no historical connection to the land. Yet by insisting that Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria are illegitimate and should be “frozen”, Obama is confining the Jews in Israel to urban ghettos and denying them the right to establish communities in areas where they have strong religious, cultural, and historical attachments.

The USA, UN, and EU, continue to insist that Jewish settlements in Judea, Samaria, and Gaza are illegal and should not be continued. The settler movement has responded with lengthy legal and historical treatises confirming the rights of Jews to live in these areas. All to no avail. The “international community” has decided that this is all “occupied Palestinian territory” and Jews have no right to establish communities there. Of course, Arabs insist on their rights to live anywhere they want to within Israel, Europe, or North America. Only Jewish settlement should be restricted.

Jews have already been expelled from over a dozen countries in the Middle East where they used to have thriving communities. When Jews want to move into Arab areas in the Galil, Negev, or Jerusalem, they are accused of “ethnic cleansing.” The southern city of Eilat has become an expensive tourist resort for wealthy Europeans that few native Israelis can afford. That restricts most of the Jews in Israel to living in “urban ghettos” along the narrow Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem corridor and along the Mediterranean coast. Yet Barack Obama, who would surely support the rights of Jews to live in Montana, sees no problem with denying them the right to live in their ancestral homeland.

Apparently, the USA, EU, and UN have no interest in legal or historical arguments establishing the rights of Jewish settlement throughout the original British Palestine Mandate. They continue to insist that the Jewish settlements be “frozen” and eventually dismantled to allow for the establishment of a “contiguous Palestinian state.” If legal arguments can’t sway them, then the Government of Israel should resort to the same tactics that the Arabs use to support their arguments. Israel needs to develop a diplomatic plan that uses a touch of chicanery, a bit of duplicity, a dab of sophistry, and a generous portion of mendacity. Here is the artful scheme:

First the Government of Israel will announce that it agrees to a permanent limitation of new Jewish housing in Judea and Samaria. Only 3000 new units per year will be permitted throughout the area. Because of the limitations, the units will be reserved only for Jews of Ashkenazic European descent. That is, all Jews descending from Arab-speaking countries and African countries will be barred from new housing in the territories. This plan will result in an immediate international uproar.

The Palestinian Authority will scream that European Jews have no right to live in Palestine. They are occupiers, usurpers, and thieves of Palestinian lands. The only Jews who have a right to live in Palestine are the descendants of those who lived there in 1948. Hamas will announce that the plan is a “crime against humanity” and “genocide against the Palestinian people.”

The Europeans, champions of humanitarian rights, will argue that this plan is a violation of civil rights. Of course, they have only their own interests in mind. They will fear that European Jews will be drawn to Israel with the lure of inexpensive housing in a scenic area. The resulting deficiency of Jewish academics in Europe may compel the Nobel Committee to award a Nobel Prize to someone who may not really deserve it. The Europeans would want to discourage anything that would undermine the credibility of the revered prize so they will also protest the Israeli plan.

The international NGO’s will proclaim that this plan demonstrates that Israel is an apartheid state because the plan discriminates against people of color. They will insist that people of color be given the same rights as the White Jews of European descent.

Islamic organizations such as CAIR will protest that Israel is trying to obliterate Arabic language and culture. They will cite this as proof of Israel’s continued oppression of the Palestinian population. They will insist that people who speak Arabic be included in the housing allocations.

The Reform Jewish organizations in America will complain that the plan fails to make allowances for intermarried and homosexual couples. Furthermore, it will increase the suffering of the Palestinian people. They will decry the plan as discriminatory and demand that it be modified to be more inclusionary.

There will be such an international outcry against the restricted housing plan that Israel will have to submit to international demands. The Government of Israel will announce that it is willing to expand new housing in the territories to 10,000 units per year to allow Sephardi, Mizrahi, African, and Indian Jews to participate. However, the GOI will announce that they don’t have the funds to build the extra units needed to accommodate all the Jews who are refugees from Asian and African countries. An international fund-raising effort will be required.

The USA will be asked to donate some of its vast surplus funds to the housing efforts. Susan Rice will bring the matter to the UN and argue that the EU and international NGO’s should also contribute. Enough money will be raised to bring thousands of Diaspora Jews to Israel. They will develop new settlements in Judea and Samaria. Jews from many different countries will be living in peaceful coexistence with Christians and Muslims. The area will become a center for international trade and tourism. Palestinians and Israelis will reap the economic benefits. The Middle East will finally enjoy “peace on Earth and good will towards men.”

The GOI will be shamed into admitting that it’s original housing plan was flawed and the Europeans were correct. The Obama administration will finally be able to announce that it has achieved a major diplomatic victory over Israeli intransigence. Most important, for the Jews in Judea there will be “light, gladness, joy, and honor.”

Related Music

Harry Belafonte

Hine Ma Tov (sung in Hebrew) (Play)

By ERIC A. STERN, NY Times, December 5, 2009

Copyright 2009 The New York Times Company

DON’T MISS THE YIDDISH POEM AT THE END.
Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Jews did not get surnames
in Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century.
Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon , Russia , Poland ,
and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes.
After Napoleon’s defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned
to ‘son of’ names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON, etc.
During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to
take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last names in
the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It’s probable that
some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less.
In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the
16th century. Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back centuries..
Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews.
They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left
for America .
The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.
In general there were Five types of names (people had to pay for their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):
1– Names that were descriptive of the head of household:
Examples:
HOCH (tall) ,
KLEIN (small),
COHEN (rabbi ),
BURGER (village dweller),
SHEIN (good looking),
LEVI (temple singer),
GROSS (large),
SCHWARTZ (dark or black),
WEISS (white),
KURTZ (short)
2 — Names describing occupations:
Examples:
HOLTZ (wood)
HOLTZKOCKER (wood chopper),
GELTSCHMIDT (goldsmith),
SCHNEIDER (tailor),
KREIGSMAN (warrior),
MALAMED (teacher)
EISEN (iron),
FISCHER (fish)
3– Names from city of residence:

Examples:
BERLIN ,
FRANK FURTER,
DANZIGER,
OPPENHEIMER,
DEUTSCH (German)
POLLACK (Polish),
BRESLAU ,
MANNHEIM ,
CRACOW ,
WARSHAW
4 — Bought names:
Examples:
GLUCK (luck),
ROSEN (roses),
ROSENBLATT (rose paper or leaf),
ROSENBERG (rose mountain),
ROTHMAN (red man),
DIAMOND,
KOENIG (king),
KOENIGSBERG (king’s mountain),
SPIELMAN (spiel is to play),
LIEBER (lover),
BERG (mountain),
WASSERMAN (water dweller),
KERSHENBLATT (church paper),
STEIN (glass).
5– Assigned names (usually undesirable):
Examples:
PLOTZ (to die),
KLUTZ (clumsy),
BILLIG (cheap)
DREK (shit)

Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers:
Woody Allen — Alan Stewart Koenigsberg
June Allyson — Ella Geisman
Lauren Bacall — Betty Joan Perske
Jack Benny — Benjamin Kubelsky
Irving Berlin — Israel Baline
Milton Berle — Milton Berlinger
Joey Bishop —Joseph Gottlieb
Karen Black — Karen Blanche Ziegler
Victor Borge — Borge Rosenbaum
Fanny Brice — Fanny Borach
Mel Brooks — Melvin Kaminsky
George Burns — Nathan Birnbaum
Eddie Cantor — Edward Israel Iskowitz
Jeff Chandler — Ira Grossel
Lee J. Cobb — Amos Jacob
Tony Curtis — Bernard Schwartz
Rodney Dangerfield — Jacob Cohen
Kirk Douglas — Issue Danielovich Demsky
Melvyn Douglas — Melvyn Hesselberg
Bob Dylan — Bobby Zimmerman
Paulette Goddard — Marion Levy
Lee Grant — Lyova Geisman
Elliot Gould — Ellio t Goldstein
Judy Holliday — Judith Tuvim
Al Jolson — Asa Yoelson
Danny Kaye — David Daniel Kaminsky
Michael Landon — Michael Orowitz
Steve Lawrence — Sidney Leibowitz
Jerry Lewis — Joseph Levitch
Peter Lorre — Lazlo Lowenstein
Elaine May — Elaine Berlin
Yves Montand — Ivo Levy
Mike Nichols — Michael Peschkowsky
Joan Rivers — Joan Molinsky
Edward G. Robinson — Emanuel Goldenberg
Jane Seymour — Joyce Penelope Frankenburg
Simone Signoret — Simone-Henriette Kaminker
Beverly Sills — Belle Silverman
Sophie Tucker — Sophia Kalish
Gene Wilder — Gerald Silberman

YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don’t farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there,
the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it’s familiar to my ear.
And I’m no Chaim Yonkel , in fact
I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish
though, I’m talking out my tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don’t know it better
(Though it’s really nishtkefelecht when one
needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there’s really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and
others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels,
and let’s not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the
listener, So much better than ‘a pill ‘
is to call someone ‘farbissener’.
Or – that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you’ll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I’m not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I’m not a kvetch,
But isn’t mi eskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, ‘It’s nechtiker tog, don’t fear,
To me you’re still a maven, zol zein shah, don’t fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don’t mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit…..
And A gezunt auf dein kup!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GLOSSARY
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Con fused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role
of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered;
dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person;
same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad
luck(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don’t get on your nerves
(Lit.., Don’t bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He’s (it’s) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
(Lit., a night’s day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, January 5, 2009

Editor’s Note: Prior to World War II, there was a town in Eastern Europe called Chelm. The elders of the town were known as the Wise Men of Chelm because of their renowned aptitude for solving daily problems. As a result of the turbulence in Europe during world War II, the Wise Men of Chelm relocated to Geneva, Switzerland where they established the Dialogue for Regional and Economic Cooperation, commonly known as DREC. The group was frequently called on to use their unique wisdom to resolve world crises. CN Publications has been able to obtain a transcript of their last meeting.

Chairman: We are convening today by special request of the distinguished representative of Hamastan, Professor Ahmed Kheshbon, who is concerned about the attacks on his territory from neighboring Yidenland. Professor Kheshbon would like us to intervene and put an immediate stop to the attacks on Hamastan.

Shmeryl: Mr. Chairman, before we begin the meeting, I would like to request that the window be closed, it’s very cold outside.

Chairman: Yes, Shmeryl, I am aware that it is cold outside, but if I close the window, would it get any warmer outside? I’m sorry but I have to deny your request because it makes no sense. Before we continue  with today’s agenda, I would like to call on the Secretary to read the minutes of the last meeting.

Secretary: The first item on the agenda was a complaint that the funds that were given to Hamastan to build schools, hospitals, and housing were being abused and misdirected. Apparently, one of the contractors hired to build housing cut down some logs on top of a mountain and instead of rolling the logs down the mountain, he hired his family members to carry them down. So to avoid accusations that our funds were being misappropriated, we provided more funds to carry the logs back up the mountain and then roll them down.

Then we discussed the problems with the food program that we provided to feed the poor, suffering, hungry Hamasniks. Apparently, thieves broke into the warehouse that stored the food, carted it away on trucks, then sold it in the open market. So we appropriated more funds to buy more food but this time we built concrete walls around the food so that the thieves couldn’t get in. The only problem was that the legitimate administrators of the food program couldn’t get to the food either. So we appropriated more funds to buy ladders that were placed all around the concrete walls. This satisfied everyone and the problem was resolved.

Chairman: Now we would like to hear Prof. Kheshbon from Hamastan University explain why he asked us to convene this special meeting.

Prof. Kheshbon: Well apparently, several groups of a few bad boys were shooting some homemade firecrackers across the border into Yidenland, you know how boys can behave. The Yiden became overly upset about the small amount of damage and casualties that these firecrackers caused and started bombing our buildings, inflicting heavy damage and casualties. Now, we can accept that the Yiden might want to retaliate a bit, but it should be proportionate.

Chairman: What do you mean by proportionate?

Prof. Kheshbon: Well according to my calculations, there are about 1.5 million Hamasniks living in Hamasland, while there are about 6 million Yiden living in Yidenland. That’s four times the amount. So if the Yiden killed 500 Hamasniks, then we should be allowed to kill 2000 Yiden, which would be proportionality. So you should insist that the Yiden stop shooting at us until we can kill 2000 Yiden with our homemade firecrackers.

Chairman: But Prof. Kheshbon, wouldn’t it be easier and a lot less messy if you just stopped those bad boys from shooting the firecrackers at the Yiden?

Prof. Kheshbon: But that would be very difficult because these boys are justifiably angry and frustrated over the continuing occupation of our territory and everyone knows that anger and frustration can lead to violence.

Chairman: You mean the Yiden are occupying your land?

Prof. Kheshbon: Well, they’re not exactly occupying, but they are controlling access by land, sea, and air, all because of a handful of wayward boys that are shooting off some firecrackers.

Chairman: So wouldn’t it be a lot more effective to just stop shooting the firecrackers?

Prof. Kheshbon: No we need to get to the root cause of the problem, which is the anger, frustration, suffering, and oppression caused by 60 years of brutal occupation of our lands.

Chairman: So what do you propose?

Prof. Kheshbon: We need to have a completely independent sovereign state with complete access to all borders so we defend ourselves from the violent aggression perpetrated by the Yiden. An independent state of Hamastan, without any Yiden, would definitely solve the crisis.

Chairman: But how can we be sure that an independent Hamastan would live peacefully next to Yidenland?

Prof. Kheshbon: Well, that would solve the root cause of the problem, the wayward boys would no longer be angry, and there would be peace, harmony, and cooperation throughout the region, if only we had our own sovereign state.

Shloimy: Mr. Chairman, I would like to ask a question. The Hamasniks belong to a large league of 22 independent states that share the same religion, culture, and language, why do they need another micro-state which may be a cause of strife in the region?

Chairman: There you go asking your silly questions again. Prof. Kheshbon explained that if you get at the root cause of the problem and remove the occupation and anger, the problem would be resolved.

Shloimy: I still don’t understand. The world contains almost 5000 distinct ethnic and minority groups living in 190 countries. There are over 100 active autonomist and secessionist movements going on around the world. Why don’t they get their own independent states also?

Chairman: Shloimy, your silly questions are a disgrace to our reputation for wisdom, understanding, and promotion of humanitarian rights. You’re going to have to stop it.

Shloimy: I just don’t understand how the establishment of an independent Hamastan micro-state would lead to peace and harmony in the region. There is no historical evidence to support that contention. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier and cheaper to provide economic incentives for the Hamasniks to relocate to other states in their league to live a life free of suffering and deprivation?

Chairman: Shloimy, I can’t believe what you are saying! Are you promoting the ethnic cleansing of the Hamastan population?

Shloimy: Absolutely not, I’m just merely suggesting another way that the overcrowded, disadvantaged Hamasnik population might be able to enjoy a better life with greater comforts and free of ethnic strife.

Chairman: Shloimy, if I let you continue this, you are going to ruin the reputation of our DREC organization. Everyone in the world knows that the best way to resolve this crisis is the two-state solution that would give the Hamasniks their own independent state.

Shloimy: I’m just suggesting that perhaps we should also discuss some creative alternative solutions that might better resolve the crisis.

Chairman: Shloimy, if you continue this questioning, and challenge our renowned wisdom, I will have to hold you in contempt and have you removed from these chambers. You are completely out of order.

Permission to duplicate and distribute this article in its entirety is granted by the publisher.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys’ side of the story.We always hear “the rules“From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1″
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh

By Robin Williams

You gotta love Robin Williams……Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams’ plan…(Hard to argue with this logic!)

‘I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.’

1) ‘The  US  will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with  Germany  ,  South Korea  , the Middle East , and the  Philippines  . They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!!  France  will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign ‘students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home baby.

6) The  US  will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer  Saudi Arabia  and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it…or LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’ ‘

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, October 20, 2008

SETTING: Tel Aviv barroom

TIME: Saturday night, October, 2008

Avi: Hey Benni, are you following this Presidential campaign in America? What do you think of it?

Benni: I’m not following it very closely because I’m not an American citizen and can’t vote, but you’re an American citizen so whom are you voting for?

Avi: I’m not sure, it’s a tough choice between Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama, they’re both good-looking women. I haven’t decided yet.

Benni: But the Republicans also have Sarah Palin so it’s two attractive women against one.

Avi: I guess you’re right, so I’ll vote Republican. Say, do you think that with a nice Jewish name like Sarah she could be one of our girls.

Benni: You’re probably getting her confused with Linda Lingle, the Jewish governor of Hawaii. Sarah Palin is Governor of Alaska and she’s Christian.

Avi: Well, Jewish or not, she’s definitely matza chain b’enai, much more appealing than the other candidates, and easy on the eyes.

Gilad: You guys are demonstrating that Mel Brooks was right when he said in one of his satirical movies that it’s all “bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.”

Avi: What do you mean, you think it’s bullshit who becomes President of the United States, it’s the most powerful position in the world.

Gilad: No, I mean this campaign is bullshit. Both candidates are distorting statistics to their benefit, making promises that they can’t keep, and presenting proposals that will never come to fruition.

Benni: So what’s so unusual about that? What makes it different from any other election campaign in the USA or Israel?

Gilad: This election is important and there are major differences between the candidates. The American people need to realize that there are different skills involved in running a successful campaign and actually being President.

Avi: What’s the difference, if you think it’s all bullshit anyway?

Gilad: To run a good campaign, it helps to be an energetic, motivating speaker who can inspire hopes and dreams in the people and encourage them to donate money to the campaign. Being President requires different skills. When an issue arises, the President sits down to discuss it with the appropriate advisers, which may include Cabinet officers, military leaders, intelligence agencies, and Congressional leaders. He needs to gather information from many sources, evaluate the data, and use his knowledge and experience to make a decision on a course of action. Then he has to inspire confidence in the American people and Congress to accept his decision and follow through on it. So the American people have to choose which candidate will make the right decisions, not necessarily which is the best speaker or debater.

Avi: You mean I shouldn’t just vote for the best-looking First Lady?

Gilad: Unfortunately, many Americans will vote like you by just looking at superficial characteristics without evaluating who can actually make the best decisions for the American people. There are a number of factors to take into consideration.

Benni: It isn’t any different in our country, it’s the same bullshit. For the last two decades, every Israeli Prime Minister has been talking about making peace with the Palestinians and nothing ever comes of it, it’s all diplomatic bullshit.

David: In Israel, there is a better word for it. Instead of bullshit, I would call it “tukhes.”

Avi: What are you talking about, I understand bullshit, but what’s tukhes?

David: Do you mean that you young Israelis don’t even know what tukhes is?

Avi: OK, old man, stop playing with us and tell us.

David: Tukhes is a common Yiddish word that is actually derived from the Hebrew, “takhas” meaning underneath. It’s a slang term referring to the buttocks, something akin to the English word “ass.” That is, you won’t find it in literature or proper social discourse. It’s more commonly used in barrooms or locker rooms.

Benni: So what the difference, bullshit or tukhes, seems the same to me.

David: It’s not the same because a number of colorful expressions using the term “tukhes” have evolved in Yiddish and they can aptly describe the political situation in Israel.

Benni: Waiter, bring us another pitcher of Heineken and some more of that fresh pita and hummus, I think this is going to take some time. OK David, tell us about it.

David: Well, Benni, you were right when you said that we’ve been talking about peace for almost two decades. The roots of the current peace talks can be traced back to the Madrid Conference of October, 1991 which was promoted by Secretary of State James Baker in the administration of President George H. Bush. Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir made a lengthy, passionate plea for peaceful coexistence and mutual cooperation with the Arabs. He said, “We are a nation of 4 million. The Arab nations from the Atlantic to the Gulf number 170 million. We control only 28,000 sq. km. The Arabs possess a land mass of 14 million sq. km. The issue is not territory but our existence. It will be regrettable if the talks focus primarily and exclusively on territory. It is the quickest way to an impasse. What we need first and foremost is the building of confidence, the removal of the danger of confrontation, and the development of relations in as many spheres as possible.” Then the Palestinian delegate, Haydar Abd al-Shafi, also spoke about peace and coexistence but included the following, “The state of Palestine must be born on the land of Palestine to redeem the injustice of the destruction of its historical reality and to free the people of Palestine from the shackles of their victimization…To the exiled and occupied we say you shall return and you shall remain and we will prevail, for our cause is just. We will put on our embroidered robes and kafiyehs in the sight of the world and celebrate together on the day of liberation.”

Benni: Sounds like Shamir’s speech was much more conciliatory while the Palestinian’s was more aggressive.

David: That’s right, so you would think that the USA would favor the Israeli position, but not so. Baker decided that “Af yenems tukhes is gut sepatchen,” that is, “It’s better to spank someone else’s tukhes.” The tukhes that he decided to spank was Israel’s. Like Jimmy Carter, Baker tried to extract more concessions from Israel while asking very little from the Arabs.

Gilad: That Baker always was an anti-Semite and still is.

David: Well I’m not sure if he was an anti-Semite, but he was definitely a tukhes-lecker. He preferred to curry favor with 200 million Arabs that were sitting on most of the world’s oil supply than with the 10 million Jews who were living in Israel and the USA.

Benni: So what happened then?

David: Two years later, President Clinton inherited the Oslo Agreement with all its ensuing negotiations. While he was more conciliatory to Israel, “Ehr hot arangegangen mint tukhes tsurik.”

Avi: What does that mean?

David: It means that he approached the negotiations “ass-backwards” or more politely, “putting the cart before the horse” Instead of encouraging Annex III of the Oslo Agreement which called for 10 areas of cooperation between Israel and the Palestinians, Clinton promoted more meetings, conferences, and signed agreements which were never implemented or didn’t lead anywhere. He should have promoted a demonstration of mutual cooperation in commerce, tourism, athletics, academics, arts, and natural resources. Instead, he tried to get another Camp David agreement at the end of his term.

Gilad: Which led to the second intifada and a lot more bloodshed.

David: But it started out hopeful. Prime Minister Ehud Barak told the Arabs, “The State of Israel does not wish to control you or your future. We want good neighborly relations with you based on respect and liberty, on broad coordination, on shared interests, and on a separation that will allow you and us to maintain independent identities, development, and free choice.” Barak capitulated to Clinton and his Middle East adviser, Dennis Ross, and offered Arafat almost everything he wanted. Many Israeli and American Jews were shocked by Barak’s offer and argued that “Ehr trakht mitn tukhes, nisht mitn kop,” They accused him of thinking with his tukhes instead of his head by offering Arafat too much.

Benni: So now the Arabs want what Barak offered and more.

David: But there was actually some sense in Barak’s offer. What he was saying to Arafat was, “Layg dem tukhes ofn tisch,” which in English would be “Lay your cards on the table or put your money on the table.” What Barak was saying was “I’m willing to give you almost everything that you’re asking for, now what are you offering in return?” The result was that Arafat showed his “tukhes in droissen,” that is he bared his ass or showed his true colors by responding with violence. President Clinton recognized this also when he said at the end of his term, “We cannot expect Israel to make a decision that would threaten the very foundations of the State of Israel, and would undermine the whole logic of peace. And it shouldn’t be done.”

Avi: So why is the Olmert government offering the Arabs even more than Barak offered? Doesn’t Olmert know that it’s just going to lead to more insecurity and violence?

David: Of course he knows, but he has no choice. The USA, EU, and UN continue to make the same mistake that President Clinton made. Instead of insisting that the Arabs demonstrate some sign of an interest in peaceful coexistence, they continue to press Israel for more concessions and more signed agreements. Instead of developing cooperative ventures to promote tourism, commerce, water development, alternative energy, athletic events, and cultural events, the Arabs continue to insist that Israel must first return to the 1949 Armistice lines, divide Jerusalem, dismantle all Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria, and allow 4 million Palestinian “refugees” to return to Israel.

Gilad: There are reports that the Palestinians are even unwilling to provide air rights for Israeli aircraft. That means that if an Israeli pilot has to modify his flight path because of air traffic or weather conditions, which is often the case, and he strays over the Palestinian state, he risks being shot down by Palestinian artillery. The Palestinians will then say, “We didn’t mean to shoot down the plane but our radar indicated that it was unidentified aircraft and we were afraid of an attack.”

David: That’s right. The Arabs continue to display their “tukhes in droissen.” Their proposals and demands are not intended to lead to peaceful coexistence and mutual cooperation but to the dissolution and destruction of the State of Israel as a Jewish state.

Gilad: So what is the Israeli government supposed to do?

David: There’s only one thing left to do. When the Arabs and the international community say that Israel must return to the 1949 Armistice lines, allow a Hamas state in Gaza, a Fatah state in Judea, dismantle all Jewish communities in Judea, divide Jerusalem, and allow the “right of return” for 4 million Arabs, then we have to stand up to them and tell them loud and clear, “KISH MIR IN TUKHES ARAYN.”

Rights to reproduce and distribute this article are granted.

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications

Commemorating the liberation and unification of Jerusalem in June, 1967

Author’s Note: The following story was inspired by the Yiddish comedy routine of Dzigan and Shumacher titled “The Psychiatrist,” and by the Yiddish purimspiel, “The Megillah of Itzik Manger.”

SETTING: psychiatrist’s office in Tehran

CHARACTERS:

Dr. Abdul Shaqoury, psychiatrist

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

Security Guards

Ahmadinejad: Doctor, I’m so happy you could see me today, I really need to talk with you. Usually you make me wait about three weeks to get an appointment so when your secretary told me that you had a cancellation today, I grabbed it right away.

Shaqoury: Yes, I know, she gave you the appointment before I could stop her.

Ahmadinejad: Are you suggesting that you don’t want to see me, I really need to talk, and you’re the only one who understands me.

Shaqoury: I’m not suggesting, I’m telling you straight out, read my lips, “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Ahmadinejad: But you’re my therapist, you’re supposed to make me feel better and improve my self-confidence, you’re not supposed to give me feelings of rejection, abandonment, and isolation, that would only exacerbate my condition, not improve it.

Shaqoury: Listen, I’ve been working with you for three years now and I’ve been doing my best to help you find alternative ways to develop your self-image and self-worth but you’re so resistant. You don’t listen to anything that I say, you just insist on continuing with this nuclear bomb project. You need to find other methods to develop your self- esteem: find a hobby, develop friendships, do charity work, you know, something useful. You have to stop fixating on this nuclear bomb nonsense.

Ahmadinejad: But all my life I’ve wanted to have my very own nuclear bomb and I’m so close now, I can’t stop myself, it’s been my life’s ambition. So many other people have a nuclear bomb, i want one , too. You have to help me get through this, I need you.

Shaqoury: I can’t have you coming here anymore. You walk in with an entourage of 25 barbarian slobs that you call “security guards.” They tie up the elevator, make a lot of noise, leave cigarette butts all over, and urinate all over the washroom. My other patients are complaining. I spent 20 years to build up my practice and all my patients are leaving me since you started coming here.

Ahmadinejad: Those “barbarian slobs” are the best that the Revolutionary Guard has to offer, they are our best-trained soldiers, I’m proud of them and I need them.

Shaqoury: I don’t know how they have the coordination to shoot a rifle if they can’t aim into a toilet bowl, they keep missing. How are we supposed to have an honest, confidential conversation with six of them in the room with us?

Ahmadinejad: I have to have them, you know there are a lot of people out there who want to kill me, I can’t trust anyone, even you. I have to have them with me.

Shaqoury: Your extreme paranoia is one of the factors interfering with your therapeutic progress. You haven’t made any progress in that area.

Ahmadinejad: But it’s true, they’re all out to kill me, they would do it if they could.

Shaqoury: Who wants to kill you?

Ahmadinejad: Lots of people, but mostly the Americans and the Jews, especially the ones from that stinking sliver of land that they call Israel. I can’t take it anymore, one day I’ll get them, you’ll see. As soon as I get my nuclear bomb it will be all over, I’ll wipe them off the map. Then I’ll feel good and I won’t need you anymore.

Shaqoury: You’re devoting so much of your time, energy, and resources to develop a missile that will travel almost 2000km just to kill Jews. You really need to get over this intense hatred towards the Jews, there are still lots of them living here in Iran. They’re quiet, decent people, don’t bother anyone.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, I know, we still have 25,000 of them. They’re the largest group of Jews left in the Middle East outside of the Zionist entity. The other Muslim countries got rid of their Jews a long time ago and I’m still stuck with them. It’s all because that Shah was so good to them, he was a traitor to Islam.

Shaqoury: Until the Ayatollah came back in 1979, we had a good relationship with the Jews and with Israel, they contributed to our country’s prosperity.

Ahmadinejad: I can’t stand them, they’re descendants of that insolent Jew Mordechai who killed my ancestor Haman. Mordechai didn’t show any respect for Haman and the Jews today don’t respect me either. Mordechai conned that drunken fool King Ahaseurus into hanging Haman and his 10 wonderful sons. They would do the same to me if they could, I’m going to get them first. They’ll learn to respect me, just wait till I get that nuclear bomb, I’ll show them.

Shaqoury: You’re talking about an incident that occurred over 2000 years ago, get over it. The Jews living in Israel today are a modern, progressive people. They’ve made great advances in agricultural science, medicine, and modern technology. Our country could benefit from having a good relationship with them.

Ahmadinejad: That’s part of the problem. I am president of the 18^th largest country in the world in geographical area. Iran is more than 60 times the size of Israel and has 10 times the population. We are one of the oldest civilizations in the world, and yet that little stinking Israel that’s only 60 years old continues to humiliate us. They don’t have our oil wealth but still have a stronger military and economy. They continue to humiliate me and threaten my self-dignity, I have to get rid of them. All my life I’ve been ridiculed and humiliated because of my height, I can’t take it anymore. Now I control a powerful army and when I build that nuclear bomb I’ll control the whole Middle East. Those rotten Jews won’t have a chance anymore.

Shaqoury: I see that you haven’t made any progress since we started your therapy. You’re really going to have to get this mishugas out of your head, it’s destroying you, the anger and hatred is tearing you apart.

Ahmadinejad: What’s this word “mishugas,” I’m not familiar with it?

Shaqoury: It’s a common Yiddish word that means craziness or insanity. I learned it from my Jewish friends in medical school.

Ahmadinejad: You just proved my point. Those long Jewish tentacles got to you, too. I can’t trust you anymore, I’m going to have to find another therapist.

Shaqoury: Boruch Hashem! Don’t forget to pay your bill in full on the way out, I’m not accepting assignment from your insurance company anymore, they won’t authorize more sessions.