Gary Rosenblatt

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Gary Rosenblatt

Editor And Publisher, The Jewish Week 

OK, so there are these three guys in the hospital, and they’re very bad off, and the doctor is making the rounds. He goes over to the first patient, a Catholic, and explains that there’s nothing more he can do medically for him and asks him his last wish.

“I’d like to see a priest and make a confession,” the man says.

The doctor says fine, and moves on to the next patient, a Protestant. And when the doctor asks him his last wish, the poor guy says, “I’d like to see my family and say good-bye.”

So the doctor says OK, and comes over to the third patient, an elderly Jewish man.

“And what is your last wish?” the doctor asks.

“My last wish,” the old man whispers, “is to see another doctor.”

Funny? Well, according to some sophisticated research, the odds are you thought so — or at least there was a time when Jewish readers would have thought so. In a survey by Psychology Today, Jews among the 14,000 readers who sampled 30 jokes rated this classic joke higher than non-Jews.

But that was more than three decades ago, and it’s reasonable to wonder if things have changed. After all, the Golden Era of Jewish Comedy, marked by scores of Borscht Belt “tummlers” who went on to national fame, including Sid Caesar, Danny Kaye and Red Buttons, are gone or have faded from the scene. Who under 35 would remember Lou Goldstein, the Grossingers fixture who made “Simon Says” his own act? (“Simon says jump up…Come down.”) He died earlier this month at 90. And how could Generation Xers or Yers appreciate the nostalgic sadness over the recent fire that destroyed the former Browns Hotel, one of the last vestiges of the Catskill Resorts that spawned generations of comics?

Jewish humor has always been easier to enjoy than define. Bill Novak and Moshe Waldoks, in their classic “Big Book of Jewish Humor,” characterized the genre as “anti-authoritarian in tone, mocking pomposity, grandiosity and self-indulgence.” Our brand of ethnic humor is also known for a sense of superiority, with the little guy outsmarting everyone else, a kind of defense mechanism to ward off aggression and hostility.

But American Jews are far less insecure these days, with little to be worried about in terms of acceptance by the majority society. Once banned from Ivy League colleges, Jews now note with pride that most of those universities have, or in recent years have had, Jewish presidents.

So without all that angst is there still an audience for jokes about Jewish mothers (and mothers-in-law), rabbis and priests, food, doctors, elusive sex, unhappy spouses, getting old and dying?

Sam Hoffman and Eric Spiegelman can prove there is. After long enjoying his father’s stories and jokes, Hoffman, now in his mid-40s, got a group of 20 of his father’s friends and relatives to come to an abandoned storefront in his hometown of Highland Park, N.J., several years ago and tell some of their “good stories” in front of his camera. Spiegelman, a native of Los Angeles, did the same there. The result was a website called, simply, Old Jews Telling Jokes, which has had millions of page views. Then came a book (same name) two years ago, a DVD, and next week previews of an Off-Broadway play (same name) co-created by Peter Gethers and Daniel Okrent, and based on the website, will begin at the Westside Theater, reinventing classic jokes and adding a few songs.

Hoffman describes the jokes on the website as “time capsules, revealing the fears and anxieties and celebrating the joys of all aspects of life.” A lot more about the anxieties than the joys, from the ones I’ve heard, and definitely not for the prudish.

There’s something especially funny, though, about hearing a wide variety of everyday bubbes and zaides — all Jewish and over 60 — with a sprinkling of celebrities like former New York Mayor Ed Koch and former New York Times public editor Okrent, telling jokes that would make a stripper blush.

Hoffman says that about a quarter of the visitors to oldjewstellingjokes.com are under 35. “For them it’s comfort food,” he told New York magazine several years ago. “It’s a visit with Uncle Steve, who isn’t around anymore. And it channels an element of the culture that isn’t religion but still makes them feel connected.”

Max Weisberg, a 65-year-old insurance salesman in Phoenix, is one of the many gifted storytellers who appear on the site. He says his adult children think he’s funny but not his humor, and he worries about the generation gap.

“How do I translate to them ‘hock mir nisht kayn chynek’ [literally, Yiddish for ‘don’t knock me a tea kettle,’ but essentially, ‘don’t bother me’]?

“Jewish humor? I think it will disappear. But I hope not,” he says, adding, “All the guys that are dead I used to love.”

Al Kustanowitz, 72, of Fairlawn, N.J., is more optimistic. A 36-year-veteran of IBM, he now spends an average of an hour a day updating a popular website he launched from home in 2009, a labor of love called Jewish Humor Central (www.jewishhumorcentral.com), which features an entertaining mix of jokes, odd news items (“Gaza Zoo Adds Stuffed Animals”), music, new comedy videos and clips from classic routines.

As “blogger-in-chief,” he says he has written close to 800 blog posts, and admits “it’s getting harder to find clean material” to use on the site. (He includes a warning if a video has language “from the George Carlin list” of seven words you can never say on TV.)

Kustanowitz says his muse was his late wife, Shuly, who served as his “gentle censor.” Now he often runs material by his daughter, Esther, a prolific blogger and Jewish culture queen in her own right. (“The tree doesn’t fall far from the fruits,” Al jokes of his own talent.)

For some 25 years he published a family newsletter with funny news items around Purim time each year, noting that “you can’t make this stuff up.” Over time he sent it out to hundreds of family members and friends, but he abandoned the print edition now that his website has about 2,300 subscribers.

Besides, he says, “I started the blog because I couldn’t wait until Purim.”

Based on his success, Kustanowitz now offers a series of one-hour lectures. His talks include video clips and commentary, with more than two dozen topics to choose from.

“I don’t worry about theories” about Jewish humor and its sociological implications, he says.

“These jokes last forever.”

E-mail: Gary@jewishweek.org

Read more:

• Gary Rosenblatt
• bill novak
• Eric Spiegelman
• Humor
• Jewish humor
• Jewish Jokes
• Moshe Waldoks
• old jews telling jokes
• Sam Hoffman

• Gary Rosenblatt
• bill novak
• Eric Spiegelman
• Humor
• Jewish humor
• Jewish Jokes
• Moshe Waldoks
• old jews telling jokes
• Sam Hoffman

Copyright 2010 The Jewish Week

Source URL (retrieved on 04/29/2012 – 12:26): http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/gary_rosenblatt/ever_dying_art_jewish_humor

Back to The new Earth: Why you will never live there

The new Earth: Why you will never live there

September 30, 2010

Cathal Kelly

This artist rendering shows a new planet, right. Astronomers have found a planet that is in the Goldilocks zone — just right for life. And it is near Earth — relatively speaking, at 190 trillion kilometres.

ZINA DERETSKY/AP

Before you start using aerosol hairspray, let’s try and figure out if anyone can actually live on Gliese 581g.

Here’s the first problem with the new, potentially habitable Earth-like planet just discovered by astronomers. The name. No one’s going to schlep all their stuff to a place called Gliese 581g. Before that sinks in, we need to change the name to something catchier – like “Mars.”

Gliese 581g is about three times the mass of Earth. It’s closer to its star than we are to the sun, but its star is a slow-burning red dwarf, so it’s unlikely we’d be cooked right off it. It sits in what astronomers called the “Goldilocks Zone” of the galaxy – the place where conditions are just right to ensure a supply of liquid water.

We can think of Gliese 581g as our special nest egg, our survival back-up plan. Once we ruin this planet (and rest assured, that’s as good as done), we now have a destination in mind. This is about as likely as you saying, “Once I’ve totally trashed my mom’s basement, I’ll move into Buckingham Palace,” but dreams are important.

However, it’s also important that we understand the sacrifices we’ll be making on Gliese 581g. You’re going to have to give up certain things in order to breathe the (possibly deadly) fresh air. Here they are:

• Your current life: Gliese is 20 light years away. That’s about 190,000,000,000,000 km. That’s a lot.

The fastest man-made object is the Helios 2 space probe, which can travel at 250,000 km/h. The upshot – it’s going to take 87,000 years to get there. So you won’t be moving planets, although if you’re super-talented, some form of DNA goo that resembles you might make it there in a petri dish.

• Jogging: Gravity is a crap-shoot on Gliese. But in all likelihood, once you leave the house, you will either be crushed as flat as a crepe or go spinning off into the ether. Neither of which is much of an aerobic workout.

• Skin: Like the moon, Gliese always shows the same face to its star. So one side is bathed in light – and likely baking hot – while the other side is swathed in darkness – and likely freezing.

Either way, your epidermis is not going to cut it. So prepare to start every day with some variation on this ritual.

• The novelty of your birthday: Gliese rotates once every 37 days – which means “hump day” on Gliese is going to last longer than July.

Coincidentally, that’s also as long as it takes Gliese to orbit its star. So one year is also 37 days. That means it’ll be your birthday every day at 3:30 p.m. And no, you don’t get to take your birthday day off.

The next time you spot an oil slick, resist the urge to light it on fire, no matter how much fun that seems like. Sounds like we’re going to need our beater of a homeworld for a little while yet.

Or will we?

“The fact that we were able to detect this planet so quickly and so nearby tells us that planets like this must be really common,” said one of Gliese 581g’s discoverers, astrophysicist Steven Vogt.

Whew. Awesome news. No need to rush. So. How long were they looking before they spotted Gliese 581g? Three days? A week?

Actually, 11 years.

No word yet on the rumour that Prof. Steven Vogt has been engaged since 1978.

Purim is a holiday on which Jews are expected to get tipsy, wear costumes and do silly things – including posting completely imaginary and false interviews with the President of the United States on news websites that are perfectly serious on all the other days of the year.

By Tom Teicholz, Jewish Journal, February 23, 2010

http://www.jewishjournal.com/ tommywood/article/qa_with_mel_brooks_20100223/

JewishJournal.com exclusive audio:
Interview with Mel Brooks
Mel Brooks sings
Mel Brooks is on a hot streak: He was just a Kennedy Center Honoree (along with Dave Brubeck, Robert De Niro, Grace Bumbry and Bruce Springsteen); 20th Century Fox just released “The Mel Brooks Collection” in Blu-ray — a nine-DVD set that includes “Blazing Saddles,” “Young Frankenstein” and “Spaceballs,” among other classics; and Shout! Factory has released “The 2000 Year Old Man: The Complete History,” a three-CD, one-DVD set that collects the various incarnations in which Carl Reiner, the world’s greatest straight man, interviews a visitor who’s survived since ancient times and who speaks in a thick Jewish accent to hilarious effect.

Brooks discussed all this, and a bit more, recently in a phone interview from the offices of his production company. I am glad that I taped our conversation, because I was so excited to talk to him that I stopped taking notes after the first few questions. This is an edited version of our conversation.

Tom Teicholz: You were honored recently at the Kennedy Center in Washington, and on TV it looked like you and Bruce Springsteen were kibitzing during the whole show —
Mel Brooks: Oh yeah, well, you know I’m a big fan, and I’ve got all his — we used to call them records — [and] we were talking about how wonderful the evening was and how honored we felt sitting next to the president.

TT: When the President originally announced your award you sort of interrupted him, too.
MB: I kind of did. … You know, I’m Jewish and irrepressible.

TT: Were you always interrupting people, even as a child?
MB:The minute I could talk, I interrupted people. Because I needed things.

TT: You needed things?
MB: I always needed things. I needed a bagel with cream cheese. I needed things, and I kept asking for them from the minute I could speak.

TT: Carl Reiner, in an interview that’s included in ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ box set, says you were the same way in the room on ‘Your Show of Shows,’ you were the tummler.
MB: Yes, I used to do that in the Borscht Belt in the mountains. I kept the Jewish guests happy around the pool. I amused them with bad jokes, like, ‘You can’t keep Jews in jail. They eat lox.’ Or ‘[I was dating] a girl who was so thin the waiter said, “Can I check your umbrella?”’ Just bad, bad Borscht Belt humor, but, you know, it was a pleasure.

TT: There were a lot of funny guys in that famous writers’ room on ‘Your Show of Shows.’ Who, in your opinion, was funniest? Who made you laugh?
MB: They were some of the funniest guys in the world. There was Mel Tolkin, our head writer, [who] had a slight Russian Jewish comedian accent — he was very funny.

TT: I’ve heard that Mel Tolkin is the underrated comedy genius of that group.
MB: He used to break me up a lot. He was kind of my mentor, too. He helped me, showed me the ropes in comedy writing.

TT: There’s also that story about how he recommended a psychiatrist for you.
MB: I went to a psychiatrist, and the guy wouldn’t take me. He said, ‘I’ll find someone else for you, you’re too nervous for me.’

TT: Who were some of the other writers who made you laugh?
MB: In the room there were people besides Mel, like Larry Gelbart, very funny and very quick; and Carl Reiner, himself — he used to hang around the writers’ room, he was really funny. For a short while, there was Woody Allen. Woody was brilliant: dry wit, you had to listen closely. And then there was Neil Simon, who you never heard. ‘Doc’ Simon used to whisper in Carl’s ear, and Carl would say, ‘Neil has the joke,’ and then he would say the joke because Neil was too shy to say the joke.

TT: One of the other comments Reiner makes about ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ that I found fascinating was that after World War II, after the Holocaust, Jewish humor — sounding like an old Jew —  was off limits.
MB: Yes, it was not politically correct. It was not in any way correct. We only did the [‘2,000 Year Old Man’ routine] for friends, mostly Jews. So we thought we were on safe ground with the Jewish accent. It was the nature of the questions and answers — Steve Allen said, ‘You’ve got to put it on record.’

TT: It’s interesting that a lot of your humor is at the same time outrageous and in some ways old-fashioned.
MB:Yes. Old-fashioned, I always felt, is good. We can go back to Maimonides. Old-fashioned is good. The New Testament, to my mind, is OK, but not quite as hip and brilliant as the Old Testament. So, old-fashioned … is good.

TT: There was a period when your movie work seemed to taper off, before the Broadway version of ‘The Producers.’ Did you think, ‘That’s it, it’s over?’
MB: It’s true. When you’re first discovered, they make a fuss over you. Four, five movies later, instead of ‘It’s a Mel Brooks movie!’ [you get] ‘It’s another Mel Brooks movie.’ You’ve got to live with that. But then 10 years go by, and it becomes a classic … 20th Century Fox is issuing nine Mel Brooks movies with a whole book about my life and pictures from each movie. It’s quite good. It’s the Blu-ray edition, it’s not the hologram edition; you’ll have to wait for the hologram edition — that hasn’t come out yet. I’m kidding. … It’s amazing that there’s an ebb and flow, and there [are] tides in your life. Suddenly, I’m very hot, with the Kennedy Honors, ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ and now the Blu-ray edition.

TT: You had this amazing second wind with ‘The Producers.’
MB: That got the most Tonys ever given to a Broadway show. It’s amazing: I just wanted to open the door; I didn’t want to break it down.

TT: Seeing the Kennedy Center Honors honoring your work, it turns out you are a song-and-dance man, as much as a comedian.
MB: Turns out that there’s a lot of George M. Cohan [in me]. In my neighborhood, we called him Cohen. When I was a kid, we took him as our own. George M. Cohan wrote a lot of Broadway musicals and did what I later followed in his footsteps [doing]. I did the book [for ‘The Producers’] together with Tom Meehan. I would write the music and the lyrics.

TT: You could probably put on a revue, ‘The Songs of Mel Brooks.’
MB: I probably couldn’t. I could get on a stage, get a moderate-sized audience and [sing] songs. … Like [breaks into song] :

‘Here I am…
I’m Melvin Brooks
I’ve come to stop the show
Just a ham who’s minus looks
But in your hearts I’ll grow!
I tell you gags, I’ll sing you songs
Happy little snappy tunes that roll along
I’m out of my mind
Won’t you be kind?
And, please love
Melvin Brooks.’

That’s my first song that I did in the mountains. It would be greeted with a little applause, a little of [he groans], a lot of you’d hear ‘English! English!’ … because a lot of Jews, when they found out they were in for a night of English, they were very unhappy. I had only a few Yiddish jokes, and my Yiddish to this day is rather limited.
My grandmother spoke Yiddish. Her English wasn’t so terrific. She knew a few English words, like ‘subway.’ She didn’t even know fenster for window. She knew ‘vindow.’ But my mother, who came here when she was 3, her name was Brookman, she actually had an Irish accent. You say, ‘Why? Why did Mel Brooks’ mother have an Irish accent? That’s crazy! Why?’

TT: Why?
MB: She was 3 years old, and when she went to school all the teachers were Irish, and she thought that’s the way you speak English. You know [how] we say in the Brooklyn accent ‘Thirty-third and Third’? That’s all from Ireland.

TT: That’s funny.
MB: It’s true. I’m half-Irish, without knowing it.

TT: When you originally did ‘The 2000 Year Old Man,’ you were in fact quite young — now you are closer, at least in comedy years, to being 2,000.
MB: That’s very funny …. [laughs] I’m approaching that 2,000-year-old guy for real!

TT: Does the advice [from] ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ still work?
MB: The good jokes still work, even if they are [outdated]. Even if the things are not there anymore. I don’t know if the products that I mentioned are still [there].

TT: Nectarines are still a good fruit.
MB: Nectarines are still good.

TT: No fried foods is still good advice.
MB: Yes.

TT: But there are a few better products since then than wax paper.
MB: We mention that! Carl says, ‘What about the heart-lung machine?’ I said, I believe, on the record: ‘That was good. That was good. Hard to get into the medicine cabinet, but that was good.’
Some things are really dated, but we never did anything political. We always did [material about] the human condition. Human behavior. [Carl would say:] ‘What were the means of transportation a thousand years ago?’ I’d say: ‘Fear. A lion would come behind you, you’d move.’
A lot of the jokes from the early record still work. On the first album there are four or five characters … that people don’t know about. [The German Psychiatrist, The Third Best Poet, The Astronaut, etc.]

TT: At the Kennedy Center Honors, Carl Reiner said he wanted to get you back in the studio to record again.
MB: We might. But I said to Carl, ‘If we do it, let’s do it like the first record: Don’t tell me what you’re going to ask, I don’t even want to know the subject. We’ll just ad-lib it like we did the first two records.’

TT: Carl Reiner has written several books and several volumes of autobiography. When are you going to write your book, your story?
MB: I’m not old enough yet. I’m only 83. When I get to be 93, I’ll start thinking about, ‘Maybe I should write an autobiography?’
Tom Teicholz is a film producer in Los Angeles. Everywhere else, he’s an author and journalist who has written for The New York Times Sunday Magazine, Interview and The Forward. His column appears here regularly, and his blog can be found at jewishjournal.com/tommywoodtheblog. © Copyright 2010 The Jewish Journal and JewishJournal.com
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In his usual tongue-in-cheek style, Israel Zwick presents a plan for obtaining international acceptance and support for the Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria.

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, December 21, 2009

Though he lived in Chicago, Barack Obama is probably too young to be familiar with Elvis Presley’s sentimental hit song, “In the Ghetto,” about a boy growing up in a Chicago ghetto. He probably is also unaware that the term “ghetto” originally referred to an area in Venice in the 16th century where Jews were confined. Jewish ghettos continued to be established throughout Europe through the end of World War II. Barack Obama may also be unaware that for the last 150 years there have been small Jewish settlements in Montana, where Jews have no cultural or historical attachments. So what does any of this have to do with Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria?

Knowing the dire conditions of urban ghettos, it unlikely that a humanitarian such as Barack Obama would support the establishment of ghettos for any ethnic group. President Obama would most likely also support the rights of Jews to establish settlements in Montana even if they have no historical connection to the land. Yet by insisting that Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria are illegitimate and should be “frozen”, Obama is confining the Jews in Israel to urban ghettos and denying them the right to establish communities in areas where they have strong religious, cultural, and historical attachments.

The USA, UN, and EU, continue to insist that Jewish settlements in Judea, Samaria, and Gaza are illegal and should not be continued. The settler movement has responded with lengthy legal and historical treatises confirming the rights of Jews to live in these areas. All to no avail. The “international community” has decided that this is all “occupied Palestinian territory” and Jews have no right to establish communities there. Of course, Arabs insist on their rights to live anywhere they want to within Israel, Europe, or North America. Only Jewish settlement should be restricted.

Jews have already been expelled from over a dozen countries in the Middle East where they used to have thriving communities. When Jews want to move into Arab areas in the Galil, Negev, or Jerusalem, they are accused of “ethnic cleansing.” The southern city of Eilat has become an expensive tourist resort for wealthy Europeans that few native Israelis can afford. That restricts most of the Jews in Israel to living in “urban ghettos” along the narrow Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem corridor and along the Mediterranean coast. Yet Barack Obama, who would surely support the rights of Jews to live in Montana, sees no problem with denying them the right to live in their ancestral homeland.

Apparently, the USA, EU, and UN have no interest in legal or historical arguments establishing the rights of Jewish settlement throughout the original British Palestine Mandate. They continue to insist that the Jewish settlements be “frozen” and eventually dismantled to allow for the establishment of a “contiguous Palestinian state.” If legal arguments can’t sway them, then the Government of Israel should resort to the same tactics that the Arabs use to support their arguments. Israel needs to develop a diplomatic plan that uses a touch of chicanery, a bit of duplicity, a dab of sophistry, and a generous portion of mendacity. Here is the artful scheme:

First the Government of Israel will announce that it agrees to a permanent limitation of new Jewish housing in Judea and Samaria. Only 3000 new units per year will be permitted throughout the area. Because of the limitations, the units will be reserved only for Jews of Ashkenazic European descent. That is, all Jews descending from Arab-speaking countries and African countries will be barred from new housing in the territories. This plan will result in an immediate international uproar.

The Palestinian Authority will scream that European Jews have no right to live in Palestine. They are occupiers, usurpers, and thieves of Palestinian lands. The only Jews who have a right to live in Palestine are the descendants of those who lived there in 1948. Hamas will announce that the plan is a “crime against humanity” and “genocide against the Palestinian people.”

The Europeans, champions of humanitarian rights, will argue that this plan is a violation of civil rights. Of course, they have only their own interests in mind. They will fear that European Jews will be drawn to Israel with the lure of inexpensive housing in a scenic area. The resulting deficiency of Jewish academics in Europe may compel the Nobel Committee to award a Nobel Prize to someone who may not really deserve it. The Europeans would want to discourage anything that would undermine the credibility of the revered prize so they will also protest the Israeli plan.

The international NGO’s will proclaim that this plan demonstrates that Israel is an apartheid state because the plan discriminates against people of color. They will insist that people of color be given the same rights as the White Jews of European descent.

Islamic organizations such as CAIR will protest that Israel is trying to obliterate Arabic language and culture. They will cite this as proof of Israel’s continued oppression of the Palestinian population. They will insist that people who speak Arabic be included in the housing allocations.

The Reform Jewish organizations in America will complain that the plan fails to make allowances for intermarried and homosexual couples. Furthermore, it will increase the suffering of the Palestinian people. They will decry the plan as discriminatory and demand that it be modified to be more inclusionary.

There will be such an international outcry against the restricted housing plan that Israel will have to submit to international demands. The Government of Israel will announce that it is willing to expand new housing in the territories to 10,000 units per year to allow Sephardi, Mizrahi, African, and Indian Jews to participate. However, the GOI will announce that they don’t have the funds to build the extra units needed to accommodate all the Jews who are refugees from Asian and African countries. An international fund-raising effort will be required.

The USA will be asked to donate some of its vast surplus funds to the housing efforts. Susan Rice will bring the matter to the UN and argue that the EU and international NGO’s should also contribute. Enough money will be raised to bring thousands of Diaspora Jews to Israel. They will develop new settlements in Judea and Samaria. Jews from many different countries will be living in peaceful coexistence with Christians and Muslims. The area will become a center for international trade and tourism. Palestinians and Israelis will reap the economic benefits. The Middle East will finally enjoy “peace on Earth and good will towards men.”

The GOI will be shamed into admitting that it’s original housing plan was flawed and the Europeans were correct. The Obama administration will finally be able to announce that it has achieved a major diplomatic victory over Israeli intransigence. Most important, for the Jews in Judea there will be “light, gladness, joy, and honor.”

Related Music

Harry Belafonte

Hine Ma Tov (sung in Hebrew) (Play)

By ERIC A. STERN, NY Times, December 5, 2009

Copyright 2009 The New York Times Company

DON’T MISS THE YIDDISH POEM AT THE END.
Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Jews did not get surnames
in Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century.
Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon , Russia , Poland ,
and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes.
After Napoleon’s defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned
to ‘son of’ names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON, etc.
During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to
take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last names in
the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It’s probable that
some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less.
In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the
16th century. Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back centuries..
Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews.
They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left
for America .
The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.
In general there were Five types of names (people had to pay for their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):
1– Names that were descriptive of the head of household:
Examples:
HOCH (tall) ,
KLEIN (small),
COHEN (rabbi ),
BURGER (village dweller),
SHEIN (good looking),
LEVI (temple singer),
GROSS (large),
SCHWARTZ (dark or black),
WEISS (white),
KURTZ (short)
2 — Names describing occupations:
Examples:
HOLTZ (wood)
HOLTZKOCKER (wood chopper),
GELTSCHMIDT (goldsmith),
SCHNEIDER (tailor),
KREIGSMAN (warrior),
MALAMED (teacher)
EISEN (iron),
FISCHER (fish)
3– Names from city of residence:

Examples:
BERLIN ,
FRANK FURTER,
DANZIGER,
OPPENHEIMER,
DEUTSCH (German)
POLLACK (Polish),
BRESLAU ,
MANNHEIM ,
CRACOW ,
WARSHAW
4 — Bought names:
Examples:
GLUCK (luck),
ROSEN (roses),
ROSENBLATT (rose paper or leaf),
ROSENBERG (rose mountain),
ROTHMAN (red man),
DIAMOND,
KOENIG (king),
KOENIGSBERG (king’s mountain),
SPIELMAN (spiel is to play),
LIEBER (lover),
BERG (mountain),
WASSERMAN (water dweller),
KERSHENBLATT (church paper),
STEIN (glass).
5– Assigned names (usually undesirable):
Examples:
PLOTZ (to die),
KLUTZ (clumsy),
BILLIG (cheap)
DREK (shit)

Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers:
Woody Allen — Alan Stewart Koenigsberg
June Allyson — Ella Geisman
Lauren Bacall — Betty Joan Perske
Jack Benny — Benjamin Kubelsky
Irving Berlin — Israel Baline
Milton Berle — Milton Berlinger
Joey Bishop —Joseph Gottlieb
Karen Black — Karen Blanche Ziegler
Victor Borge — Borge Rosenbaum
Fanny Brice — Fanny Borach
Mel Brooks — Melvin Kaminsky
George Burns — Nathan Birnbaum
Eddie Cantor — Edward Israel Iskowitz
Jeff Chandler — Ira Grossel
Lee J. Cobb — Amos Jacob
Tony Curtis — Bernard Schwartz
Rodney Dangerfield — Jacob Cohen
Kirk Douglas — Issue Danielovich Demsky
Melvyn Douglas — Melvyn Hesselberg
Bob Dylan — Bobby Zimmerman
Paulette Goddard — Marion Levy
Lee Grant — Lyova Geisman
Elliot Gould — Ellio t Goldstein
Judy Holliday — Judith Tuvim
Al Jolson — Asa Yoelson
Danny Kaye — David Daniel Kaminsky
Michael Landon — Michael Orowitz
Steve Lawrence — Sidney Leibowitz
Jerry Lewis — Joseph Levitch
Peter Lorre — Lazlo Lowenstein
Elaine May — Elaine Berlin
Yves Montand — Ivo Levy
Mike Nichols — Michael Peschkowsky
Joan Rivers — Joan Molinsky
Edward G. Robinson — Emanuel Goldenberg
Jane Seymour — Joyce Penelope Frankenburg
Simone Signoret — Simone-Henriette Kaminker
Beverly Sills — Belle Silverman
Sophie Tucker — Sophia Kalish
Gene Wilder — Gerald Silberman

YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don’t farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there,
the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it’s familiar to my ear.
And I’m no Chaim Yonkel , in fact
I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish
though, I’m talking out my tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don’t know it better
(Though it’s really nishtkefelecht when one
needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there’s really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and
others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels,
and let’s not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the
listener, So much better than ‘a pill ‘
is to call someone ‘farbissener’.
Or – that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you’ll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I’m not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I’m not a kvetch,
But isn’t mi eskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, ‘It’s nechtiker tog, don’t fear,
To me you’re still a maven, zol zein shah, don’t fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don’t mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit…..
And A gezunt auf dein kup!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GLOSSARY
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Con fused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role
of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered;
dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person;
same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad
luck(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don’t get on your nerves
(Lit.., Don’t bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He’s (it’s) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
(Lit., a night’s day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, January 5, 2009

Editor’s Note: Prior to World War II, there was a town in Eastern Europe called Chelm. The elders of the town were known as the Wise Men of Chelm because of their renowned aptitude for solving daily problems. As a result of the turbulence in Europe during world War II, the Wise Men of Chelm relocated to Geneva, Switzerland where they established the Dialogue for Regional and Economic Cooperation, commonly known as DREC. The group was frequently called on to use their unique wisdom to resolve world crises. CN Publications has been able to obtain a transcript of their last meeting.

Chairman: We are convening today by special request of the distinguished representative of Hamastan, Professor Ahmed Kheshbon, who is concerned about the attacks on his territory from neighboring Yidenland. Professor Kheshbon would like us to intervene and put an immediate stop to the attacks on Hamastan.

Shmeryl: Mr. Chairman, before we begin the meeting, I would like to request that the window be closed, it’s very cold outside.

Chairman: Yes, Shmeryl, I am aware that it is cold outside, but if I close the window, would it get any warmer outside? I’m sorry but I have to deny your request because it makes no sense. Before we continue  with today’s agenda, I would like to call on the Secretary to read the minutes of the last meeting.

Secretary: The first item on the agenda was a complaint that the funds that were given to Hamastan to build schools, hospitals, and housing were being abused and misdirected. Apparently, one of the contractors hired to build housing cut down some logs on top of a mountain and instead of rolling the logs down the mountain, he hired his family members to carry them down. So to avoid accusations that our funds were being misappropriated, we provided more funds to carry the logs back up the mountain and then roll them down.

Then we discussed the problems with the food program that we provided to feed the poor, suffering, hungry Hamasniks. Apparently, thieves broke into the warehouse that stored the food, carted it away on trucks, then sold it in the open market. So we appropriated more funds to buy more food but this time we built concrete walls around the food so that the thieves couldn’t get in. The only problem was that the legitimate administrators of the food program couldn’t get to the food either. So we appropriated more funds to buy ladders that were placed all around the concrete walls. This satisfied everyone and the problem was resolved.

Chairman: Now we would like to hear Prof. Kheshbon from Hamastan University explain why he asked us to convene this special meeting.

Prof. Kheshbon: Well apparently, several groups of a few bad boys were shooting some homemade firecrackers across the border into Yidenland, you know how boys can behave. The Yiden became overly upset about the small amount of damage and casualties that these firecrackers caused and started bombing our buildings, inflicting heavy damage and casualties. Now, we can accept that the Yiden might want to retaliate a bit, but it should be proportionate.

Chairman: What do you mean by proportionate?

Prof. Kheshbon: Well according to my calculations, there are about 1.5 million Hamasniks living in Hamasland, while there are about 6 million Yiden living in Yidenland. That’s four times the amount. So if the Yiden killed 500 Hamasniks, then we should be allowed to kill 2000 Yiden, which would be proportionality. So you should insist that the Yiden stop shooting at us until we can kill 2000 Yiden with our homemade firecrackers.

Chairman: But Prof. Kheshbon, wouldn’t it be easier and a lot less messy if you just stopped those bad boys from shooting the firecrackers at the Yiden?

Prof. Kheshbon: But that would be very difficult because these boys are justifiably angry and frustrated over the continuing occupation of our territory and everyone knows that anger and frustration can lead to violence.

Chairman: You mean the Yiden are occupying your land?

Prof. Kheshbon: Well, they’re not exactly occupying, but they are controlling access by land, sea, and air, all because of a handful of wayward boys that are shooting off some firecrackers.

Chairman: So wouldn’t it be a lot more effective to just stop shooting the firecrackers?

Prof. Kheshbon: No we need to get to the root cause of the problem, which is the anger, frustration, suffering, and oppression caused by 60 years of brutal occupation of our lands.

Chairman: So what do you propose?

Prof. Kheshbon: We need to have a completely independent sovereign state with complete access to all borders so we defend ourselves from the violent aggression perpetrated by the Yiden. An independent state of Hamastan, without any Yiden, would definitely solve the crisis.

Chairman: But how can we be sure that an independent Hamastan would live peacefully next to Yidenland?

Prof. Kheshbon: Well, that would solve the root cause of the problem, the wayward boys would no longer be angry, and there would be peace, harmony, and cooperation throughout the region, if only we had our own sovereign state.

Shloimy: Mr. Chairman, I would like to ask a question. The Hamasniks belong to a large league of 22 independent states that share the same religion, culture, and language, why do they need another micro-state which may be a cause of strife in the region?

Chairman: There you go asking your silly questions again. Prof. Kheshbon explained that if you get at the root cause of the problem and remove the occupation and anger, the problem would be resolved.

Shloimy: I still don’t understand. The world contains almost 5000 distinct ethnic and minority groups living in 190 countries. There are over 100 active autonomist and secessionist movements going on around the world. Why don’t they get their own independent states also?

Chairman: Shloimy, your silly questions are a disgrace to our reputation for wisdom, understanding, and promotion of humanitarian rights. You’re going to have to stop it.

Shloimy: I just don’t understand how the establishment of an independent Hamastan micro-state would lead to peace and harmony in the region. There is no historical evidence to support that contention. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier and cheaper to provide economic incentives for the Hamasniks to relocate to other states in their league to live a life free of suffering and deprivation?

Chairman: Shloimy, I can’t believe what you are saying! Are you promoting the ethnic cleansing of the Hamastan population?

Shloimy: Absolutely not, I’m just merely suggesting another way that the overcrowded, disadvantaged Hamasnik population might be able to enjoy a better life with greater comforts and free of ethnic strife.

Chairman: Shloimy, if I let you continue this, you are going to ruin the reputation of our DREC organization. Everyone in the world knows that the best way to resolve this crisis is the two-state solution that would give the Hamasniks their own independent state.

Shloimy: I’m just suggesting that perhaps we should also discuss some creative alternative solutions that might better resolve the crisis.

Chairman: Shloimy, if you continue this questioning, and challenge our renowned wisdom, I will have to hold you in contempt and have you removed from these chambers. You are completely out of order.

Permission to duplicate and distribute this article in its entirety is granted by the publisher.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys’ side of the story.We always hear “the rules“From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1″
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh