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By Israel Zwick, CN Publications
Commemorating the liberation and unification of Jerusalem in June, 1967
Author’s Note: The following story was inspired by the Yiddish comedy routine of Dzigan and Shumacher titled “The Psychiatrist,” and by the Yiddish purimspiel, “The Megillah of Itzik Manger.”
SETTING: psychiatrist’s office in Tehran
CHARACTERS:
Dr. Abdul Shaqoury, psychiatrist
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
Security Guards
Ahmadinejad: Doctor, I’m so happy you could see me today, I really need to talk with you. Usually you make me wait about three weeks to get an appointment so when your secretary told me that you had a cancellation today, I grabbed it right away.
Shaqoury: Yes, I know, she gave you the appointment before I could stop her.
Ahmadinejad: Are you suggesting that you don’t want to see me, I really need to talk, and you’re the only one who understands me.
Shaqoury: I’m not suggesting, I’m telling you straight out, read my lips, “I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Ahmadinejad: But you’re my therapist, you’re supposed to make me feel better and improve my self-confidence, you’re not supposed to give me feelings of rejection, abandonment, and isolation, that would only exacerbate my condition, not improve it.
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Islam, Judaism, Middle East, Middle East Report, Opinion, Zwick's Picks on May 29, 2008 - כ"ד אייר תשס"ח at 2:23 pm
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By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, Purim 5768
Editor’s Note: Recently, a secret meeting was held at the United Nations by the request of the Israeli representative. Present at this meeting were representatives from the United Nations (UN), European Union (EU), United States (USA), Israel (ISRAEL), and the Palestinian Authority (PA). CN Publications obtained advance notice of this secret meeting and introduced a fly into the room. Using the latest advances in Israeli nanotechnology, the fly was fitted with a microscopic microphone and transmitter. Below is a transcript of the conversation transmitted by the fly.
ISRAEL: My friends, I have asked you to come to this meeting because the State of Israel is facing a severe dilemma and we would appreciate your advice and consent before we make any drastic decisions. You know that we are very concerned about criticism and condemnation from the international community so we would like to avoid that.
UN: We are always eager to assist any of our member nations. How can we help?
ISRAEL: Well, as you recall, the State of Israel was established 60 years ago in order to provide a homeland for millions of Jews scattered around the world who have not had a homeland in almost 2000 years. Many of these Jews were survivors of the Holocaust, living in Displaced Persons camps and had nowhere to go. It was decided that the best place for a Jewish homeland would be the Holy Land where the Jews have strong historical, religious, and cultural attachments.
UN: Yes, we are very proud of the role we played in establishing a homeland for Jews in portions of the former British Palestine Mandate.
ISRAEL: The dilemma that we are facing now is that there are still tens of thousands of Jews around the world who would like to immigrate to Israel.
UN: That’s fine, so what’s the problem?
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on March 18, 2008 - י"א אדר ב' תשס"ח at 7:16 am
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By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, January 16, 2008
See Also: Zwick’s Picks
See Also: Al-Quds Times
Gaza City/Tel Aviv - Israel killed three Palestinian civilians in a botched strike Wednesday, while militants launched 42 rockets and mortars at the Jewish state, in response to bloody Israeli-Palestinian fighting Tuesday which left 18 Gazans dead.
Israeli troops in the West Bank also killed a senior leader of the radical Islamic Jihad, who had been on the ‘wanted list’ for years.
An Israeli army spokeswoman said the target of the botched strike was ‘a vehicle carrying gunmen responsible for rocket launching,’ but another vehicle was hit instead. Palestinian medical officials said three members of the same family were killed, among them an adolescent.
The circumstances surrounding the strike on the wrong vehicle were ‘under operational investigation,’ Major Avital Leibovich said. - Middle East News, January 16, 2008
Washington, DC, January 16, 2008 - As a result of the Israeli air strike in Gaza which killed three civilians, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration has agreed to team with Israeli military engineers to design a new “smart bomb” that will avoid such incidents in the future and drastically reduce the high toll of civilian casualties. The new bomb will incorporate NASA technology for exploring remote planets and monitoring the physiology of astronauts on the space shuttle. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Zwick's Picks on January 16, 2008 - ט' שבט תשס"ח at 11:40 am
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Here’s an example of what a good spin doctor can do.
Submitted by Irv Goller, October 15, 2007
Fictional Humor - Reprinted from Urban Legends
See Also: Bias Against Israel
Here is why moving to Montana is a good idea. Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in
1889.
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary’s staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
“Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”
And THAT is how it’s done, folks
Source: Urban Legends
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on October 15, 2007 - ג' חשון תשס"ח at 7:06 pm
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by Boris Celser, August 14, 2007
The Arctic is not anyone’s Promised Land.
In response to the Russians planting their flag under the waters of the Arctic Ocean, the Canadian government, hardly a military superpower, announced this week that it will establish two military bases in the north, in order to maintain its claims to sovereignty over the area and its underwater riches.
The United Nations, the European Union and the Vatican aren’t calling Canada to task.
Last I heard, the Arctic was not anyone’s Promised Land, but Canada, the United States, Russia, Denmark and Norway would disagree with me. A huge territory, Arctic distances are measured in hundreds of miles (in Israel, they are measured in centimeters).
Can anyone state why the United Nations, the European Union and the Vatican aren’t calling Canada to task for its show of military muscle to safeguard its interests? Will the Norwegians be supportive of a new set of Oslo Accords to ensure the vast Arctic land is shared? Will the British send Tony Blair to mediate, or are they jealous that there remains an empire in the world where the sun never sets - albeit only in summer? The UN Human Rights Council in Geneva will not single out any of the five countries for special treatment and permanent investigation, since they have bigger fish to fry. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts on August 14, 2007 - ל' אב תשס"ז at 5:31 pm
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“Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.”
“The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place.”
“A goat also has a beard, but that doesn’t make him a rabbi.”
“You’re only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot.”
“Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.”
“The greatness of this or any country may still be measured by the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT.”
“War doesn’t prove who is right; only who is left.”
“War is better at abolishing nations than nations are at abolishing wars.”
“The U.N. has been as effective against war as foghorns have been against fog.”
“In a non-Jewish restaurant you see people eating and hear them talking. In a Jewish restaurant you see people talking and hear them eating.”
“There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.”
Re: sex education in schools: “Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow.”
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on August 8, 2007 - כ"ד אב תשס"ז at 9:21 pm
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Carlin’s Rules For 2007
By George Carlin, submitted by Fred Reifenberg
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don’t eat anyth ing that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids — lucky bastards. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on July 11, 2007 - כ"ה תמוז תשס"ז at 8:55 pm
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I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT’S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on May 18, 2007 - א' סיון תשס"ז at 8:41 am
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By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, April 24, 2007
Written in honor of Israel Independence Day, 5 Iyar 5767
Since the establishment of the State of Israel in May, 1948, thousands of articles and millions of words have been written about the “suffering of the Palestinian people”. It has been well established that many of the 4 million people who now identify themselves as Palestinians, are living in poverty and squalor in over 50 UNRWA “refugee camps” scattered around the Israeli territories, Gaza, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. There is universal agreement that the “plight of the Palestinian refugees” needs to be resolved in order to bring peace and stability to the Middle East.
Before developing a suitable intervention to resolving a problematic situation, it is first necessary to do a thorough assessment to determine the cause of the problem. When the Palestinian spokesmen are interviewed about the problem, they are adept at using CYA techniques to explain the reasons for the “suffering of the Palestinian people.” As most Americans know, CYA is the initialism for Cover Your Derrière. It is a common expression used when the blame for wrongdoing is ascribed elsewhere to avoid the possibility of personal liability. CYA techniques are among the first lessons that journalists and diplomats learn on the job. So if something goes wrong, “It can’t be my fault, I followed all the appropriate procedures, you need to look elsewhere to find fault.”
Using CYA techniques, the reason for the “suffering of the Palestinian people” can be readily determined: Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on April 24, 2007 - ו' אייר תשס"ז at 10:46 pm
The Pastor’s Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on April 20, 2007 - ב' אייר תשס"ז at 9:27 am
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