Back to The new Earth: Why you will never live there

The new Earth: Why you will never live there

September 30, 2010

Cathal Kelly

This artist rendering shows a new planet, right. Astronomers have found a planet that is in the Goldilocks zone — just right for life. And it is near Earth — relatively speaking, at 190 trillion kilometres.

ZINA DERETSKY/AP

Before you start using aerosol hairspray, let’s try and figure out if anyone can actually live on Gliese 581g.

Here’s the first problem with the new, potentially habitable Earth-like planet just discovered by astronomers. The name. No one’s going to schlep all their stuff to a place called Gliese 581g. Before that sinks in, we need to change the name to something catchier – like “Mars.”

Gliese 581g is about three times the mass of Earth. It’s closer to its star than we are to the sun, but its star is a slow-burning red dwarf, so it’s unlikely we’d be cooked right off it. It sits in what astronomers called the “Goldilocks Zone” of the galaxy – the place where conditions are just right to ensure a supply of liquid water.

We can think of Gliese 581g as our special nest egg, our survival back-up plan. Once we ruin this planet (and rest assured, that’s as good as done), we now have a destination in mind. This is about as likely as you saying, “Once I’ve totally trashed my mom’s basement, I’ll move into Buckingham Palace,” but dreams are important.

However, it’s also important that we understand the sacrifices we’ll be making on Gliese 581g. You’re going to have to give up certain things in order to breathe the (possibly deadly) fresh air. Here they are:

• Your current life: Gliese is 20 light years away. That’s about 190,000,000,000,000 km. That’s a lot.

The fastest man-made object is the Helios 2 space probe, which can travel at 250,000 km/h. The upshot – it’s going to take 87,000 years to get there. So you won’t be moving planets, although if you’re super-talented, some form of DNA goo that resembles you might make it there in a petri dish.

• Jogging: Gravity is a crap-shoot on Gliese. But in all likelihood, once you leave the house, you will either be crushed as flat as a crepe or go spinning off into the ether. Neither of which is much of an aerobic workout.

• Skin: Like the moon, Gliese always shows the same face to its star. So one side is bathed in light – and likely baking hot – while the other side is swathed in darkness – and likely freezing.

Either way, your epidermis is not going to cut it. So prepare to start every day with some variation on this ritual.

• The novelty of your birthday: Gliese rotates once every 37 days – which means “hump day” on Gliese is going to last longer than July.

Coincidentally, that’s also as long as it takes Gliese to orbit its star. So one year is also 37 days. That means it’ll be your birthday every day at 3:30 p.m. And no, you don’t get to take your birthday day off.

The next time you spot an oil slick, resist the urge to light it on fire, no matter how much fun that seems like. Sounds like we’re going to need our beater of a homeworld for a little while yet.

Or will we?

“The fact that we were able to detect this planet so quickly and so nearby tells us that planets like this must be really common,” said one of Gliese 581g’s discoverers, astrophysicist Steven Vogt.

Whew. Awesome news. No need to rush. So. How long were they looking before they spotted Gliese 581g? Three days? A week?

Actually, 11 years.

No word yet on the rumour that Prof. Steven Vogt has been engaged since 1978.

Israel can learn valuable lessons from Aesop’s immortal fables

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, July 19, 2010

http://cnpublications.net/category/zwicks-picks/

Every schoolchild knows the story.  The haughty hare challenges the tortoise to a race and the tortoise accepts.  During the race, the overconfident hare takes a nap while the tortoise plods slowly along and reaches the finish line.  This story has been attributed to a slave and storyteller named Aesop who lived in Ancient Greece during the 5th century BCE.

There are hundreds of such ancient fables that use animal characters to teach moral lessons. Throughout the years and throughout the world, these tales have been used to provide moral education for children. According to the Jewish Encyclopedia, these fables were known to the Talmudic sages and may have been the source for some of the 30 fables that appear in the Talmud. They have also inspired Jewish writers in the Middle Ages. The ambiguity of the stories inspired diverse interpretations that have contributed to their popularity and timelessness.

Today, we can use these stories to teach advocates for Israel how to respond to the incessant attacks against Israel from both friend and foe. The story of the tortoise and the hare teaches us that the goal of peace in the Middle East won’t be reached by pompous, inexperienced leaders who believe that they can accomplish in a few years what experienced statesmen failed to accomplish in the last 40 years.  The goal will only be reached by plodding along slowly and applying years of peace education to promote acceptance, tolerance, and cooperative ventures that will facilitate peaceful coexistence.  Pressuring the parties to sign a “peace agreement’ that they are not prepared for will only push the elusive goal further away from reach.    

Below are eight more fables attributed to Aesop that provide valuable lessons on how to deal with the challenges facing the State of Israel.  They are divided into two categories: 1 – what the critics of Israel are saying and 2 – how Israel should respond. While this is a lengthy read, it can be fun, informative, and instructive for children.

What the foes and critics of Israel are saying

The Cat and the Cock

A Cat caught a Cock, and pondered how he might find a reasonable excuse for eating him.  He accused him of being a nuisance to men by crowing in the nighttime and not permitting them to sleep.

The Cock defended himself by saying that he did this for the benefit of men, that they might rise in time for their labors.

The Cat replied, “Although you abound in specious apologies, I shall not remain supperless”; and he made a meal of him.

Lesson: Israel’s foes say tht Israel has no right to exist because it has taken Palestinian lands and oppressed the Palestinian people. Israel counters that it is a free and democratic country that has contributed to mankind with advances in agricultural science, water development, and healthcare.  So the foes say that proves that Israel is immoral and doesn’t deserve to exist because it has plenty of food, water, and medicine while its neighbors are suffering from deprivation.

The Wolf and the Lamb

Once upon a time a Wolf was lapping at a spring on a hillside, when, looking up, what should he see but a Lamb just beginning to drink a little lower down.  “There’s my supper,” thought he, “if only I can find some excuse to seize it.”  Then he called out to the Lamb, “How dare you muddle the water from which I am drinking?”

“Nay, master, nay,” said Lambikin; “if the water be muddy up there, I cannot be the cause of it, for it runs down from you to me.”

“Well, then,” said the Wolf, “why did you call me bad names this time last year?”

“That cannot be,” said the Lamb; “I am only six months old.”

“I don’t care,” snarled the Wolf; “if it was not you it was your father;” and with that he rushed upon the poor little Lamb and ate her all up.  But before she died she gasped out, “Any excuse will serve a tyrant.”

Lesson: Israel’s foes will keep fabricating reasons for destroying Israel. It doesn’t matter that the reasons are fallacious, they will continue to justify their destructive enmity.

The Wolf and the Goat

A Wolf saw a Goat feeding at the summit of a steep precipice, where he had no chance of reaching her.  He called to her and earnestly begged her to come lower down, lest she fall by some mishap; and he added that the meadows lay where he was standing, and that the herbage was most tender.

She replied, “No, my friend, it is not for the pasture that you invite me, but for yourself, who are in want of food.”

Lesson: Some of Israel’s critics are asking Israel to make dangerous concessions to promote peace but really have only their own interests in mind and are recommending actions that would hasten Israel’s destruction.

How Israel should respond

The Bear and the Two Travelers

TWO MEN were traveling together and promised to help each other when danger threatened. When a Bear suddenly met them on their path, one of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches.  The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.  The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body.

When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear.  “He gave me this advice,” his companion replied.  “Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.”

Lesson: Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends.  Israel should not accept the promises and guarantees of protection from friends who will abrogate their promises and run away when danger strikes. Israel can rely only on its own abilities and ingenuity to ensure its security.

The Eagle and the Arrow

An Eagle was soaring through the air when suddenly it heard the whizz of an Arrow, and felt itself wounded to death.  Slowly it fluttered down to the earth, with its life-blood pouring out of it.  Looking down upon the Arrow with which it had been pierced, it found that the shaft of the Arrow had been feathered with one of its own plumes.  “Alas!” it cried, as it died, “We often give our enemies the means for our own destruction.”

Lesson: Israel must stop providing its enemies with the tools that can be used for Israel’s destruction.

The Doe and the Lion

A DOE hard pressed by hunters sought refuge in a cave belonging to a Lion.  The Lion concealed himself on seeing her approach, but when she was safe within the cave, sprang upon her and tore her to pieces.  “Woe is me,” exclaimed the Doe, “who have escaped from man, only to throw myself into the mouth of a wild beast?’

Lesson: In avoiding one evil, care must be taken not to fall into another. Israel must be extra cautious to avoid concessions that could lead to danger.

The Four Oxen and the Lion

A Lion used to prowl about a field in which Four Oxen used to dwell.  Many a time he tried to attack them; but whenever he came near they turned their tails to one another, so that whichever way he approached them he was met by the horns of one of them.  At last, however, they fell a-quarrelling among themselves, and each went off to pasture alone in a separate corner of the field.  Then the Lion attacked them one by one and soon made an end of all four.

Lesson: United we stand, divided we fall. Jews always had disagreements and always will, but on the key issue of security for the State of Israel, we must be united.

The Lion and the Ass

A bold Ass once brayed insultingly at a Lion. At first, the Lion snarled angrily and showed his teeth. The Ass, emboldened by the Lion’s inaction, brayed even louder.  This time, the Lion responded contemptuously, “Bray away, I shall take no notice. But remember this, you are such a pathetic creature that it isn’t even worth my effort to devour you.”

Lesson: This might be the most important lesson of all. Many of Israel’s critics are “dumb asses” that are ignorant of Israel’s history, geography, and culture, yet they are quick to mock Israel’s defensive actions.  Responding to them will only give them legitimacy and embolden them to criticize even more.  Sometimes it is better to just ignore them and they will go away on their own.

The above is only a small sampling of the timeless, valuable lessons that can be learned from these wonderful fables.  For more visit the website, http://www.aesopfables.com/aesopsel.html

by Steve Walz, Contributing Writer, Jewish Journal, May 28, 2010

http://www.jewishjournal.com/ travel/article/israel_a_summer_like_youve_never_experienced_before_20100528/

Namal Tel Aviv (Port of Tel Aviv) at night.

From rockin’ with Elton John in trendy metro Tel Aviv to discovering the secrets of Mediterranean olive oil in the Holy City of Jerusalem, Israel is a summertime mecca of culturally scintillating attractions for tourists who are looking for fun, sun and adventure.

Israel’s resilient tourism industry, which has bounced back from the negative effects of the global economic downturn in 2009, is on the verge of a record-breaking 2010 tourist season. Accordingig
to Israel’s Ministry of Tourism, incoming tourism figures for 2010 are already ahead of 2008, when the country welcomed 3 million tourists (the original all-time record). Even Iceland’s menacing volcanic ash cloud, which wreaked havoc on European travel in April and May, did not have a deleterious effect on incoming tourism to Israel.

Tourism Minister Stas Misezhnikov revealed that income from foreign tourism in the first quarter of 2010 reached $695 million.

“The constant growth in incoming tourism sharpens the contribution to the Israeli economy, which means a significant increase in the number of direct and indirect jobs associated with the tourism industry.
There are now 90,000 people employed in the local tourism industry,” he added.

During the forthcoming summer and fall seasons, the Tourism Ministry will be investing an additional $10 million in various advertising campaigns, in order to lure new and veteran tourists to the Holy Land.
While there are hundreds of attractions to choose from on the ministry’s goisrael.com Web site, we’ve created a compact list of venues intended to pique your interest.    

Tel Aviv Rocks

It’s one thing to light a candle in the wind at the Hollywood Bowl when Elton John is in town, but it’s an entirely different experience when nearly 40,000 Israelis start rockin’ round the clock in metro Tel Aviv’s Ramat Gan Stadium. For the third time in his illustrious career, Elton John will anchor a jam-packed live concert in Israel on June 17. The large and enthusiastic crowds have attracted a diverse group of rock icons, from Paul McCartney and Madonna (last year) to Rihanna (May 30) and Elton John. And yes, there are still some tickets available for Elton’s gig in Ramat Gan, with prime seats costing around $250 to $300.

The Port of Tel Aviv (Namal Tel Aviv in Hebrew) highlights a distinctly Mediterranean version of the Santa Monica/Venice beachfront lifestyle. Resplendent with trendy bistros, chic shopping outlets and hot dance clubs overlooking the inviting Mediterranean Sea, the Port of Tel Aviv has become a magnet for both Hebrew-speaking “Melrose Place” wannabes and young foreign tourists who want to sample a taste of Zionistic hedonism. During the summer months, Music24, Israel’s answer to MTV broadcasts from a glass-enclosed studio along the port’s boardwalk, attracts thousands of teenagers and curious tourists from all over the globe. And yes, you can also rent a sailboat or surfboard and ride the waves along the Mediterranean coast. The Port of Tel Aviv is easily accessible by bus or taxi from all hotels in the city.

Honey, I Shrunk Israel

Halfway between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv, in the heart of Israel’s picturesque Coastal Plain, the Mini Israel park, has become an exceedingly popular tourist venue. Mini Israel’s uniqueness revolves around letting you “seeing it all small.” In the span of about three hours, tourists of all ages can marvel at the remarkably detailed 1:25 scale models of Israel’s most heralded architectural, historical, religious and cultural sites, including a sound-enhanced miniaturized version of Jews praying at the Western Wall and soccer fans doing the wave at Teddy Stadium in Jerusalem. Reservations can be made at minisrael.co.il.

The nearby Israel Defense Forces Armored Corps Memorial Site and Museum (yadlashiryon.com) at the Latrun junction, provides an enlightening historical perspective on how valiant Jewish forces battled the vaunted Jordanian legion for control of this vital area in the heart of Israel. It is also home to one of the largest tank museums in the world.the world.

Oil’s Well in Jerusalem

Ancient tradition will literally be blended into contemporary culinary endeavors, when the TerraOlivo Mediterranean International Extra Virgin Olive Oil competition gets underway on July 23 at the Inbal Hotel (inbalhotel.com). During the weeklong competition, the hotel will host hundreds of olive oil companies from Israel and around the world. A panel of Israeli and international food service industry judges will sample hundreds of varieities and tourists will be able to enjoy a colorful outdoor festival where olive oils and olive oil-based products, including health foods, cosmetics and soaps, will be available for sampling and purchase. Israeli culinary experts, including Inbal Hotel Executive Chef Itzik Barak, will be creating a variety of original dishes based on various olive oils.

“As I pride myself on creating innovative dishes that are also works of art, I’m looking forward to enticing food industry professionals and tourists alike with a variety of tempting dishes,” Barak said. “The timing of the event is perfect, because olive oil has now been recognized as being one of the key ingredients within the healthy Mediterranean diet. And in Israel, we’ve known about the secrets of olive oil for over 2,000 years, since the days when the Temple stood in Jerusalem.”

For a truly “Middle Eastern” experience, you might want to visit the nearby Machane Yehuda outdoor market, also known as the shuk. It’s loud, it’s colorful and most certainly never boring. From teeming fresh fruit and vegetable stalls, to well-stocked exotic spice stores and cramped 10-seat bistros serving up some of the finest Sephardic-accented dishes you’ll ever taste, the shuk is a cross between Mel Brooks’ “History of the World – Part 1” and William Wyler’s “Ben-Hur.”

And if you’ve never thought of the Holy City as a place for “idols,” think again. In late August, the Israeli version of “American Idol,” known locally as “Kochav Nolad” (A Star Is Born) will telecast the live final showdown between the top three candidates at Sultan’s Pool, in the Valley of Hinnom. Thousands of Israeli youth and curious tourists alike will cheer on their favorite singers, as a panel of judges and audiences at home decide who will become the Jewish State’s next musical phenomenon. Ninette Tayeb, who captured the title during the show’s inaugural season in 2003, sold out concert halls in Los
Angeles during her most recent visit to the United States. You can also follow “Kochav Nolad” on the popular Hebrew-language entertainment Web site mako.co.il.

Rothschild Was Here

In recent years, Israel’s wine industry has been lauded for its growing number of award-winning vintages. As a result, large numbers of tourists have been flocking to Israeli wineries all over the country.
The most popular stop along Israel’s “wine route” (known as Derech Hayayin in Hebrew) is the Carmel Winery (carmelwines.co.il) in Zichron Yaakov. Founded by Baron Edmond de Rothschild in 1882, the fledgling winery became the focal point for the rebirth of “Jewish winemaking” in Israel, which dates back to the Temple era.

“The story of Carmel is the story of Israel,” says Adam Montefiore, the winery’s development manager, who has an integral role in changing the way people perceive contemporary Israeli wines.
Montefiore’s associate, Valerie Hecht, who heads Carmel’s Center for Wine Culture, encourages tourists to experience Israel’s wine revolution by spending a morning or afternoon at the winery. “Based on the constant flow of visitors to our new Center for Wine Culture, along with the astounding reactions from visitors after the professional tour and wine tasting, we are proud of the dramatic changes the
Israeli wine industry has undergone in recent years.” The winery is open year-round.

L’chaim! © Copyright 2010 Tribe Media Corp.

Purim is a holiday on which Jews are expected to get tipsy, wear costumes and do silly things – including posting completely imaginary and false interviews with the President of the United States on news websites that are perfectly serious on all the other days of the year.

By Tom Teicholz, Jewish Journal, February 23, 2010

http://www.jewishjournal.com/ tommywood/article/qa_with_mel_brooks_20100223/

JewishJournal.com exclusive audio:
Interview with Mel Brooks
Mel Brooks sings
Mel Brooks is on a hot streak: He was just a Kennedy Center Honoree (along with Dave Brubeck, Robert De Niro, Grace Bumbry and Bruce Springsteen); 20th Century Fox just released “The Mel Brooks Collection” in Blu-ray — a nine-DVD set that includes “Blazing Saddles,” “Young Frankenstein” and “Spaceballs,” among other classics; and Shout! Factory has released “The 2000 Year Old Man: The Complete History,” a three-CD, one-DVD set that collects the various incarnations in which Carl Reiner, the world’s greatest straight man, interviews a visitor who’s survived since ancient times and who speaks in a thick Jewish accent to hilarious effect.

Brooks discussed all this, and a bit more, recently in a phone interview from the offices of his production company. I am glad that I taped our conversation, because I was so excited to talk to him that I stopped taking notes after the first few questions. This is an edited version of our conversation.

Tom Teicholz: You were honored recently at the Kennedy Center in Washington, and on TV it looked like you and Bruce Springsteen were kibitzing during the whole show —
Mel Brooks: Oh yeah, well, you know I’m a big fan, and I’ve got all his — we used to call them records — [and] we were talking about how wonderful the evening was and how honored we felt sitting next to the president.

TT: When the President originally announced your award you sort of interrupted him, too.
MB: I kind of did. … You know, I’m Jewish and irrepressible.

TT: Were you always interrupting people, even as a child?
MB:The minute I could talk, I interrupted people. Because I needed things.

TT: You needed things?
MB: I always needed things. I needed a bagel with cream cheese. I needed things, and I kept asking for them from the minute I could speak.

TT: Carl Reiner, in an interview that’s included in ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ box set, says you were the same way in the room on ‘Your Show of Shows,’ you were the tummler.
MB: Yes, I used to do that in the Borscht Belt in the mountains. I kept the Jewish guests happy around the pool. I amused them with bad jokes, like, ‘You can’t keep Jews in jail. They eat lox.’ Or ‘[I was dating] a girl who was so thin the waiter said, “Can I check your umbrella?”’ Just bad, bad Borscht Belt humor, but, you know, it was a pleasure.

TT: There were a lot of funny guys in that famous writers’ room on ‘Your Show of Shows.’ Who, in your opinion, was funniest? Who made you laugh?
MB: They were some of the funniest guys in the world. There was Mel Tolkin, our head writer, [who] had a slight Russian Jewish comedian accent — he was very funny.

TT: I’ve heard that Mel Tolkin is the underrated comedy genius of that group.
MB: He used to break me up a lot. He was kind of my mentor, too. He helped me, showed me the ropes in comedy writing.

TT: There’s also that story about how he recommended a psychiatrist for you.
MB: I went to a psychiatrist, and the guy wouldn’t take me. He said, ‘I’ll find someone else for you, you’re too nervous for me.’

TT: Who were some of the other writers who made you laugh?
MB: In the room there were people besides Mel, like Larry Gelbart, very funny and very quick; and Carl Reiner, himself — he used to hang around the writers’ room, he was really funny. For a short while, there was Woody Allen. Woody was brilliant: dry wit, you had to listen closely. And then there was Neil Simon, who you never heard. ‘Doc’ Simon used to whisper in Carl’s ear, and Carl would say, ‘Neil has the joke,’ and then he would say the joke because Neil was too shy to say the joke.

TT: One of the other comments Reiner makes about ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ that I found fascinating was that after World War II, after the Holocaust, Jewish humor — sounding like an old Jew —  was off limits.
MB: Yes, it was not politically correct. It was not in any way correct. We only did the [‘2,000 Year Old Man’ routine] for friends, mostly Jews. So we thought we were on safe ground with the Jewish accent. It was the nature of the questions and answers — Steve Allen said, ‘You’ve got to put it on record.’

TT: It’s interesting that a lot of your humor is at the same time outrageous and in some ways old-fashioned.
MB:Yes. Old-fashioned, I always felt, is good. We can go back to Maimonides. Old-fashioned is good. The New Testament, to my mind, is OK, but not quite as hip and brilliant as the Old Testament. So, old-fashioned … is good.

TT: There was a period when your movie work seemed to taper off, before the Broadway version of ‘The Producers.’ Did you think, ‘That’s it, it’s over?’
MB: It’s true. When you’re first discovered, they make a fuss over you. Four, five movies later, instead of ‘It’s a Mel Brooks movie!’ [you get] ‘It’s another Mel Brooks movie.’ You’ve got to live with that. But then 10 years go by, and it becomes a classic … 20th Century Fox is issuing nine Mel Brooks movies with a whole book about my life and pictures from each movie. It’s quite good. It’s the Blu-ray edition, it’s not the hologram edition; you’ll have to wait for the hologram edition — that hasn’t come out yet. I’m kidding. … It’s amazing that there’s an ebb and flow, and there [are] tides in your life. Suddenly, I’m very hot, with the Kennedy Honors, ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ and now the Blu-ray edition.

TT: You had this amazing second wind with ‘The Producers.’
MB: That got the most Tonys ever given to a Broadway show. It’s amazing: I just wanted to open the door; I didn’t want to break it down.

TT: Seeing the Kennedy Center Honors honoring your work, it turns out you are a song-and-dance man, as much as a comedian.
MB: Turns out that there’s a lot of George M. Cohan [in me]. In my neighborhood, we called him Cohen. When I was a kid, we took him as our own. George M. Cohan wrote a lot of Broadway musicals and did what I later followed in his footsteps [doing]. I did the book [for ‘The Producers’] together with Tom Meehan. I would write the music and the lyrics.

TT: You could probably put on a revue, ‘The Songs of Mel Brooks.’
MB: I probably couldn’t. I could get on a stage, get a moderate-sized audience and [sing] songs. … Like [breaks into song] :

‘Here I am…
I’m Melvin Brooks
I’ve come to stop the show
Just a ham who’s minus looks
But in your hearts I’ll grow!
I tell you gags, I’ll sing you songs
Happy little snappy tunes that roll along
I’m out of my mind
Won’t you be kind?
And, please love
Melvin Brooks.’

That’s my first song that I did in the mountains. It would be greeted with a little applause, a little of [he groans], a lot of you’d hear ‘English! English!’ … because a lot of Jews, when they found out they were in for a night of English, they were very unhappy. I had only a few Yiddish jokes, and my Yiddish to this day is rather limited.
My grandmother spoke Yiddish. Her English wasn’t so terrific. She knew a few English words, like ‘subway.’ She didn’t even know fenster for window. She knew ‘vindow.’ But my mother, who came here when she was 3, her name was Brookman, she actually had an Irish accent. You say, ‘Why? Why did Mel Brooks’ mother have an Irish accent? That’s crazy! Why?’

TT: Why?
MB: She was 3 years old, and when she went to school all the teachers were Irish, and she thought that’s the way you speak English. You know [how] we say in the Brooklyn accent ‘Thirty-third and Third’? That’s all from Ireland.

TT: That’s funny.
MB: It’s true. I’m half-Irish, without knowing it.

TT: When you originally did ‘The 2000 Year Old Man,’ you were in fact quite young — now you are closer, at least in comedy years, to being 2,000.
MB: That’s very funny …. [laughs] I’m approaching that 2,000-year-old guy for real!

TT: Does the advice [from] ‘The 2000 Year Old Man’ still work?
MB: The good jokes still work, even if they are [outdated]. Even if the things are not there anymore. I don’t know if the products that I mentioned are still [there].

TT: Nectarines are still a good fruit.
MB: Nectarines are still good.

TT: No fried foods is still good advice.
MB: Yes.

TT: But there are a few better products since then than wax paper.
MB: We mention that! Carl says, ‘What about the heart-lung machine?’ I said, I believe, on the record: ‘That was good. That was good. Hard to get into the medicine cabinet, but that was good.’
Some things are really dated, but we never did anything political. We always did [material about] the human condition. Human behavior. [Carl would say:] ‘What were the means of transportation a thousand years ago?’ I’d say: ‘Fear. A lion would come behind you, you’d move.’
A lot of the jokes from the early record still work. On the first album there are four or five characters … that people don’t know about. [The German Psychiatrist, The Third Best Poet, The Astronaut, etc.]

TT: At the Kennedy Center Honors, Carl Reiner said he wanted to get you back in the studio to record again.
MB: We might. But I said to Carl, ‘If we do it, let’s do it like the first record: Don’t tell me what you’re going to ask, I don’t even want to know the subject. We’ll just ad-lib it like we did the first two records.’

TT: Carl Reiner has written several books and several volumes of autobiography. When are you going to write your book, your story?
MB: I’m not old enough yet. I’m only 83. When I get to be 93, I’ll start thinking about, ‘Maybe I should write an autobiography?’
Tom Teicholz is a film producer in Los Angeles. Everywhere else, he’s an author and journalist who has written for The New York Times Sunday Magazine, Interview and The Forward. His column appears here regularly, and his blog can be found at jewishjournal.com/tommywoodtheblog. © Copyright 2010 The Jewish Journal and JewishJournal.com
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In his usual tongue-in-cheek style, Israel Zwick presents a plan for obtaining international acceptance and support for the Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria.

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, December 21, 2009

Though he lived in Chicago, Barack Obama is probably too young to be familiar with Elvis Presley’s sentimental hit song, “In the Ghetto,” about a boy growing up in a Chicago ghetto. He probably is also unaware that the term “ghetto” originally referred to an area in Venice in the 16th century where Jews were confined. Jewish ghettos continued to be established throughout Europe through the end of World War II. Barack Obama may also be unaware that for the last 150 years there have been small Jewish settlements in Montana, where Jews have no cultural or historical attachments. So what does any of this have to do with Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria?

Knowing the dire conditions of urban ghettos, it unlikely that a humanitarian such as Barack Obama would support the establishment of ghettos for any ethnic group. President Obama would most likely also support the rights of Jews to establish settlements in Montana even if they have no historical connection to the land. Yet by insisting that Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria are illegitimate and should be “frozen”, Obama is confining the Jews in Israel to urban ghettos and denying them the right to establish communities in areas where they have strong religious, cultural, and historical attachments.

The USA, UN, and EU, continue to insist that Jewish settlements in Judea, Samaria, and Gaza are illegal and should not be continued. The settler movement has responded with lengthy legal and historical treatises confirming the rights of Jews to live in these areas. All to no avail. The “international community” has decided that this is all “occupied Palestinian territory” and Jews have no right to establish communities there. Of course, Arabs insist on their rights to live anywhere they want to within Israel, Europe, or North America. Only Jewish settlement should be restricted.

Jews have already been expelled from over a dozen countries in the Middle East where they used to have thriving communities. When Jews want to move into Arab areas in the Galil, Negev, or Jerusalem, they are accused of “ethnic cleansing.” The southern city of Eilat has become an expensive tourist resort for wealthy Europeans that few native Israelis can afford. That restricts most of the Jews in Israel to living in “urban ghettos” along the narrow Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem corridor and along the Mediterranean coast. Yet Barack Obama, who would surely support the rights of Jews to live in Montana, sees no problem with denying them the right to live in their ancestral homeland.

Apparently, the USA, EU, and UN have no interest in legal or historical arguments establishing the rights of Jewish settlement throughout the original British Palestine Mandate. They continue to insist that the Jewish settlements be “frozen” and eventually dismantled to allow for the establishment of a “contiguous Palestinian state.” If legal arguments can’t sway them, then the Government of Israel should resort to the same tactics that the Arabs use to support their arguments. Israel needs to develop a diplomatic plan that uses a touch of chicanery, a bit of duplicity, a dab of sophistry, and a generous portion of mendacity. Here is the artful scheme:

First the Government of Israel will announce that it agrees to a permanent limitation of new Jewish housing in Judea and Samaria. Only 3000 new units per year will be permitted throughout the area. Because of the limitations, the units will be reserved only for Jews of Ashkenazic European descent. That is, all Jews descending from Arab-speaking countries and African countries will be barred from new housing in the territories. This plan will result in an immediate international uproar.

The Palestinian Authority will scream that European Jews have no right to live in Palestine. They are occupiers, usurpers, and thieves of Palestinian lands. The only Jews who have a right to live in Palestine are the descendants of those who lived there in 1948. Hamas will announce that the plan is a “crime against humanity” and “genocide against the Palestinian people.”

The Europeans, champions of humanitarian rights, will argue that this plan is a violation of civil rights. Of course, they have only their own interests in mind. They will fear that European Jews will be drawn to Israel with the lure of inexpensive housing in a scenic area. The resulting deficiency of Jewish academics in Europe may compel the Nobel Committee to award a Nobel Prize to someone who may not really deserve it. The Europeans would want to discourage anything that would undermine the credibility of the revered prize so they will also protest the Israeli plan.

The international NGO’s will proclaim that this plan demonstrates that Israel is an apartheid state because the plan discriminates against people of color. They will insist that people of color be given the same rights as the White Jews of European descent.

Islamic organizations such as CAIR will protest that Israel is trying to obliterate Arabic language and culture. They will cite this as proof of Israel’s continued oppression of the Palestinian population. They will insist that people who speak Arabic be included in the housing allocations.

The Reform Jewish organizations in America will complain that the plan fails to make allowances for intermarried and homosexual couples. Furthermore, it will increase the suffering of the Palestinian people. They will decry the plan as discriminatory and demand that it be modified to be more inclusionary.

There will be such an international outcry against the restricted housing plan that Israel will have to submit to international demands. The Government of Israel will announce that it is willing to expand new housing in the territories to 10,000 units per year to allow Sephardi, Mizrahi, African, and Indian Jews to participate. However, the GOI will announce that they don’t have the funds to build the extra units needed to accommodate all the Jews who are refugees from Asian and African countries. An international fund-raising effort will be required.

The USA will be asked to donate some of its vast surplus funds to the housing efforts. Susan Rice will bring the matter to the UN and argue that the EU and international NGO’s should also contribute. Enough money will be raised to bring thousands of Diaspora Jews to Israel. They will develop new settlements in Judea and Samaria. Jews from many different countries will be living in peaceful coexistence with Christians and Muslims. The area will become a center for international trade and tourism. Palestinians and Israelis will reap the economic benefits. The Middle East will finally enjoy “peace on Earth and good will towards men.”

The GOI will be shamed into admitting that it’s original housing plan was flawed and the Europeans were correct. The Obama administration will finally be able to announce that it has achieved a major diplomatic victory over Israeli intransigence. Most important, for the Jews in Judea there will be “light, gladness, joy, and honor.”

Related Music

Harry Belafonte

Hine Ma Tov (sung in Hebrew) (Play)

By ERIC A. STERN, NY Times, December 5, 2009

Copyright 2009 The New York Times Company

DON’T MISS THE YIDDISH POEM AT THE END.
Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Jews did not get surnames
in Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century.
Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon , Russia , Poland ,
and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes.
After Napoleon’s defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned
to ‘son of’ names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON, etc.
During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to
take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last names in
the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It’s probable that
some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less.
In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the
16th century. Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back centuries..
Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews.
They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left
for America .
The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.
In general there were Five types of names (people had to pay for their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):
1– Names that were descriptive of the head of household:
Examples:
HOCH (tall) ,
KLEIN (small),
COHEN (rabbi ),
BURGER (village dweller),
SHEIN (good looking),
LEVI (temple singer),
GROSS (large),
SCHWARTZ (dark or black),
WEISS (white),
KURTZ (short)
2 — Names describing occupations:
Examples:
HOLTZ (wood)
HOLTZKOCKER (wood chopper),
GELTSCHMIDT (goldsmith),
SCHNEIDER (tailor),
KREIGSMAN (warrior),
MALAMED (teacher)
EISEN (iron),
FISCHER (fish)
3– Names from city of residence:

Examples:
BERLIN ,
FRANK FURTER,
DANZIGER,
OPPENHEIMER,
DEUTSCH (German)
POLLACK (Polish),
BRESLAU ,
MANNHEIM ,
CRACOW ,
WARSHAW
4 — Bought names:
Examples:
GLUCK (luck),
ROSEN (roses),
ROSENBLATT (rose paper or leaf),
ROSENBERG (rose mountain),
ROTHMAN (red man),
DIAMOND,
KOENIG (king),
KOENIGSBERG (king’s mountain),
SPIELMAN (spiel is to play),
LIEBER (lover),
BERG (mountain),
WASSERMAN (water dweller),
KERSHENBLATT (church paper),
STEIN (glass).
5– Assigned names (usually undesirable):
Examples:
PLOTZ (to die),
KLUTZ (clumsy),
BILLIG (cheap)
DREK (shit)

Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers:
Woody Allen — Alan Stewart Koenigsberg
June Allyson — Ella Geisman
Lauren Bacall — Betty Joan Perske
Jack Benny — Benjamin Kubelsky
Irving Berlin — Israel Baline
Milton Berle — Milton Berlinger
Joey Bishop —Joseph Gottlieb
Karen Black — Karen Blanche Ziegler
Victor Borge — Borge Rosenbaum
Fanny Brice — Fanny Borach
Mel Brooks — Melvin Kaminsky
George Burns — Nathan Birnbaum
Eddie Cantor — Edward Israel Iskowitz
Jeff Chandler — Ira Grossel
Lee J. Cobb — Amos Jacob
Tony Curtis — Bernard Schwartz
Rodney Dangerfield — Jacob Cohen
Kirk Douglas — Issue Danielovich Demsky
Melvyn Douglas — Melvyn Hesselberg
Bob Dylan — Bobby Zimmerman
Paulette Goddard — Marion Levy
Lee Grant — Lyova Geisman
Elliot Gould — Ellio t Goldstein
Judy Holliday — Judith Tuvim
Al Jolson — Asa Yoelson
Danny Kaye — David Daniel Kaminsky
Michael Landon — Michael Orowitz
Steve Lawrence — Sidney Leibowitz
Jerry Lewis — Joseph Levitch
Peter Lorre — Lazlo Lowenstein
Elaine May — Elaine Berlin
Yves Montand — Ivo Levy
Mike Nichols — Michael Peschkowsky
Joan Rivers — Joan Molinsky
Edward G. Robinson — Emanuel Goldenberg
Jane Seymour — Joyce Penelope Frankenburg
Simone Signoret — Simone-Henriette Kaminker
Beverly Sills — Belle Silverman
Sophie Tucker — Sophia Kalish
Gene Wilder — Gerald Silberman

YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don’t farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there,
the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it’s familiar to my ear.
And I’m no Chaim Yonkel , in fact
I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish
though, I’m talking out my tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don’t know it better
(Though it’s really nishtkefelecht when one
needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there’s really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and
others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels,
and let’s not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the
listener, So much better than ‘a pill ‘
is to call someone ‘farbissener’.
Or – that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you’ll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I’m not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I’m not a kvetch,
But isn’t mi eskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, ‘It’s nechtiker tog, don’t fear,
To me you’re still a maven, zol zein shah, don’t fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don’t mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit…..
And A gezunt auf dein kup!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GLOSSARY
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Con fused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role
of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered;
dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person;
same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad
luck(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don’t get on your nerves
(Lit.., Don’t bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He’s (it’s) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
(Lit., a night’s day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense