Navigation:
Reporting on the Middle East, Science, and Education for July 15, 2008 - י"ב תמוז תשס"ח
Pages
Archives
Toward a better future through tolerance and mutualism
Sponsored By:
Recent Comments:
Richard on Hamas Occupies Palestinian Lands.
Comments RSS
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, July 15, 2008
See Also: Al-Quds Times
Author’s Note: It is common knowledge that Israeli intelligence agents monitor the meetings of Arab leaders. Recently there was a secret meeting in Tehran that the Israeli agents missed. Fortunately, an anonymous source sent a transcript to CN Publications.
Editor’s Note: Though the following story is fictional, most of the details provided are true and have been vetted from a variety of sources.
CHARACTERS:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
Mahmoud Abbas (Abu Mazen), President of the Palestinian Authority
Bashar Assad, President of Syria
Ismail Haniyah, Hamas leader in Gaza
Hassan Nassrallah, Hizbullah leader in Lebanon
TIME: the present
SETTING: secret underground concrete bunker somewhere in Tehran
Ahmadinejad: My dear friends, I have asked you to come here so we can discuss how we can finally eliminate the Zionist entity from our midst. It must be completely wiped off the map of our region, which belongs solely to the people of Islam. It has become evident that those martydom operations, which killed 20 or 30 Zionists riding in a bus or eating in a restaurant, would not be sufficient to drive them away. On the contrary, it only strengthened their resolve. What we need is to mount a full multimodal assault involving military, political, social, and economic measures that would completely devastate the Zionist entity. To that end, we have been supporting both Shiite and Sunni insurgencies against the American and Zionist enemies. We have been developing our Shahab-3 missile that will soon be able to reach the enemy with both conventional and nuclear warheads. If we shoot 100 missiles and only one in five reach their target, we can cause significant death and destruction to the Zionists.
For the last few years, I have been providing you all with financial and military assistance for your efforts to defeat the Zionist enemy. I have gathered you here to obtain a progress report of your efforts and to hear your plans for the future. Ismail, let’s start with you. What have you been doing in Gaza with all the money I gave you besides shooting off all those harmless firecrackers?
Haniyah: First of all, I wouldn’t minimize the effects of the rockets and mortars that we have been firing on a daily basis. We have succeeded in reducing the Zionist population and military along the border. We have disrupted their lifestyle and economy. The Zionists don’t want to live or work within the range of our rockets. Their industrial centers are threatened and they have to spend huge sums on security.
Now that they have agreed to a temporary truce, we are using the time to develop our military forces and arsenal. We have an army of 20,000 men with 30,000 rifles, 6 million rounds of ammunition, 230 tons of explosives, and scores of advanced anti-tank and anti-helicopter weapons.
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Islam, Middle East, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on July 15, 2008 - י"ב תמוז תשס"ח at 4:03 am
Comments Off
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications
Author’s Note: The following story was adapted from Classic Logic Puzzles (Sterling Publishing Co., 2003). The story is entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, places, or events is completely coincidental.
Once upon a time there was a little town in the desert called Greenfield. The Greenfielders were mostly poor immigrants who were struggling hard to build better lives for themselves and their families. They succeeded in developing their small desert town into a flourishing community.
However, near Greenfield was a small strip of land called Azan. The people of Azan believed that Greenfield was rightfully their land so they decided that they would drive out the Greenfielders by force. To do that, they started shooting rockets at Greenfield on a daily basis. The rockets were specifically aimed at the civilian population: at schools, homes, and businesses. Some of the rockets fell harmlessly, some caused property damage, some caused injuries, and occasionally they caused deaths.
The Greenfielders were frightened of these rockets because they never knew where they would land, they could land anywhere. They had only 15 seconds to seek shelter once a rocket was detected. Their lives were in constant turmoil. Children were afraid to play outdoors and mothers were afraid to go shopping. Many Greenfielders fled the town for a safer environment.
Finally, the Greenfield Town Council decided to have a meeting to decide what to do about the incessant rockets. They decided to hire three tanks that would go into Azan and finally destroy the rocket launchers. So the next week, three tanks lined up on the Azan border ready to attack Azan as soon as they received the orders. The tanks were named Emunah, Chochmah, and Gvurah. However, as soon as the international community detected the tanks, there was a big outcry of protest.
An aging, former leader of the country Yoo-Essay, went to visit the Azan leaders and came back saying, “The Azan people want peace with the Greenfielders. The only reason that they are shooting rockets is because the Greenfielders are constantly harassing and irritating them. So if the Greenfielders stop their harassment, the Azans will stop their rockets. If the Greenfielders attack the Azans with their tanks, that would constitute collective punishment against an innocent civilian population so they must not be allowed to do that.”
The leader of a peace organization called the Yoo-Enn, said,” If the Greenfielders attack the Azans it would be a violation of international law and result in unlawful occupation of Azan territory. They cannot do that”
The leader of the Eey-Yoo said, “If the Greenfielders attack the Azans with three tanks it would be considered disproportionate and excessive retaliation against mostly harmless rockets. The Greenfielders must show restraint.”
The Azan leaders warned the Greenfielders, “If you attack us with your three tanks, we will retaliate with our most advanced weapons - our digital video camera with video imaging software. We will produce a video showing children and goats lying in pools of blood with wailing women kneeling over them. We will use Yoo-Toob to distribute this video to millions of people around the world. All the human rights organizations and trade unions will condemn, vilify, and boycott you. You will be finished.”
The Greenfielders were very concerned about these threats so the Town Council decided to meet again. After a lengthy debate, they decided that they would show restraint to the international community. They resolved that they would attack with only one tank, leave another tank at the border for backup, and send the third tank back to the military base.
Using the information below, determine which of the three tanks would attack, which would stay at the border, and which would withdraw to the base.
For solution, click on the link below.
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Logic Puzzles, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on June 22, 2008 - י"ט סיון תשס"ח at 12:01 am
Comments Off
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications
Commemorating the liberation and unification of Jerusalem in June, 1967
Author’s Note: The following story was inspired by the Yiddish comedy routine of Dzigan and Shumacher titled “The Psychiatrist,” and by the Yiddish purimspiel, “The Megillah of Itzik Manger.”
SETTING: psychiatrist’s office in Tehran
CHARACTERS:
Dr. Abdul Shaqoury, psychiatrist
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
Security Guards
Ahmadinejad: Doctor, I’m so happy you could see me today, I really need to talk with you. Usually you make me wait about three weeks to get an appointment so when your secretary told me that you had a cancellation today, I grabbed it right away.
Shaqoury: Yes, I know, she gave you the appointment before I could stop her.
Ahmadinejad: Are you suggesting that you don’t want to see me, I really need to talk, and you’re the only one who understands me.
Shaqoury: I’m not suggesting, I’m telling you straight out, read my lips, “I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Ahmadinejad: But you’re my therapist, you’re supposed to make me feel better and improve my self-confidence, you’re not supposed to give me feelings of rejection, abandonment, and isolation, that would only exacerbate my condition, not improve it.
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Islam, Judaism, Middle East, Middle East Report, Opinion, Zwick's Picks on May 29, 2008 - כ"ד אייר תשס"ח at 2:23 pm
Comments Off
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, May 12, 2008
See Also: Visiting Bethlehem
It was with deep sadness that I read about the difficulties facing the people of Kibbutz Kfar Aza following the rocket attack that killed a member, Jimmy Kedoshim. I have fond and nostalgic memories of this kibbutz. I worked there briefly following my junior year in college in 1969.
It was my first trip to Israel, two years after the 1967 War and the summer that Neil Armstrong took a giant step for mankind. The trip to Israel was a giant step for me, I had to save up for it for several years because my parents couldn’t afford to finance it, and I forfeited a good summer job as well. But I was eager to go. I wanted to see the historic Jewish sites and visit the few relatives that I had that weren’t killed in the Holocaust. My mother had an uncle who went to Palestine before the War and my father had some cousins who were able to get to Palestine after the war.
One day I went to visit my mother’s cousin, Refoel Engel, who lived in the ancient Arab town of Ramla near the airport. He introduced me to his attractive daughter who was about my age. After chatting for a while in broken English, Miss Engel (I don’t remember her first name) asked me if I would like to work on a kibbutz. Miss Engel was serving her military obligation in a paramilitary unit stationed at Kibbutz Kfar Aza. Since the kibbutz was located near the Gaza border (hence the name Kfar Aza) soldiers were stationed there for protection. It sounded like a great opportunity to participate in Israeli life, so I grabbed it. An opportunity to meet the young women in the military unit also crossed my mind.
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Education Report, Fun Stuff, Middle East Report, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on May 12, 2008 - ז' אייר תשס"ח at 6:02 pm
Comments Off
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, Purim 5768
Editor’s Note: Recently, a secret meeting was held at the United Nations by the request of the Israeli representative. Present at this meeting were representatives from the United Nations (UN), European Union (EU), United States (USA), Israel (ISRAEL), and the Palestinian Authority (PA). CN Publications obtained advance notice of this secret meeting and introduced a fly into the room. Using the latest advances in Israeli nanotechnology, the fly was fitted with a microscopic microphone and transmitter. Below is a transcript of the conversation transmitted by the fly.
ISRAEL: My friends, I have asked you to come to this meeting because the State of Israel is facing a severe dilemma and we would appreciate your advice and consent before we make any drastic decisions. You know that we are very concerned about criticism and condemnation from the international community so we would like to avoid that.
UN: We are always eager to assist any of our member nations. How can we help?
ISRAEL: Well, as you recall, the State of Israel was established 60 years ago in order to provide a homeland for millions of Jews scattered around the world who have not had a homeland in almost 2000 years. Many of these Jews were survivors of the Holocaust, living in Displaced Persons camps and had nowhere to go. It was decided that the best place for a Jewish homeland would be the Holy Land where the Jews have strong historical, religious, and cultural attachments.
UN: Yes, we are very proud of the role we played in establishing a homeland for Jews in portions of the former British Palestine Mandate.
ISRAEL: The dilemma that we are facing now is that there are still tens of thousands of Jews around the world who would like to immigrate to Israel.
UN: That’s fine, so what’s the problem?
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on March 18, 2008 - י"א אדר ב' תשס"ח at 7:16 am
Comments Off
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, January 16, 2008
See Also: Zwick’s Picks
See Also: Al-Quds Times
Gaza City/Tel Aviv - Israel killed three Palestinian civilians in a botched strike Wednesday, while militants launched 42 rockets and mortars at the Jewish state, in response to bloody Israeli-Palestinian fighting Tuesday which left 18 Gazans dead.
Israeli troops in the West Bank also killed a senior leader of the radical Islamic Jihad, who had been on the ‘wanted list’ for years.
An Israeli army spokeswoman said the target of the botched strike was ‘a vehicle carrying gunmen responsible for rocket launching,’ but another vehicle was hit instead. Palestinian medical officials said three members of the same family were killed, among them an adolescent.
The circumstances surrounding the strike on the wrong vehicle were ‘under operational investigation,’ Major Avital Leibovich said. - Middle East News, January 16, 2008
Washington, DC, January 16, 2008 - As a result of the Israeli air strike in Gaza which killed three civilians, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration has agreed to team with Israeli military engineers to design a new “smart bomb” that will avoid such incidents in the future and drastically reduce the high toll of civilian casualties. The new bomb will incorporate NASA technology for exploring remote planets and monitoring the physiology of astronauts on the space shuttle. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Zwick's Picks on January 16, 2008 - ט' שבט תשס"ח at 11:40 am
Comments Off
Here’s an example of what a good spin doctor can do.
Submitted by Irv Goller, October 15, 2007
Fictional Humor - Reprinted from Urban Legends
See Also: Bias Against Israel
Here is why moving to Montana is a good idea. Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in
1889.
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary’s staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
“Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”
And THAT is how it’s done, folks
Source: Urban Legends
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on October 15, 2007 - ג' חשון תשס"ח at 7:06 pm
Comments Off
by Boris Celser, August 14, 2007
The Arctic is not anyone’s Promised Land.
In response to the Russians planting their flag under the waters of the Arctic Ocean, the Canadian government, hardly a military superpower, announced this week that it will establish two military bases in the north, in order to maintain its claims to sovereignty over the area and its underwater riches.
The United Nations, the European Union and the Vatican aren’t calling Canada to task.
Last I heard, the Arctic was not anyone’s Promised Land, but Canada, the United States, Russia, Denmark and Norway would disagree with me. A huge territory, Arctic distances are measured in hundreds of miles (in Israel, they are measured in centimeters).
Can anyone state why the United Nations, the European Union and the Vatican aren’t calling Canada to task for its show of military muscle to safeguard its interests? Will the Norwegians be supportive of a new set of Oslo Accords to ensure the vast Arctic land is shared? Will the British send Tony Blair to mediate, or are they jealous that there remains an empire in the world where the sun never sets - albeit only in summer? The UN Human Rights Council in Geneva will not single out any of the five countries for special treatment and permanent investigation, since they have bigger fish to fry. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts on August 14, 2007 - ל' אב תשס"ז at 5:31 pm
Comments Off
“Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.”
“The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place.”
“A goat also has a beard, but that doesn’t make him a rabbi.”
“You’re only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot.”
“Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.”
“The greatness of this or any country may still be measured by the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT.”
“War doesn’t prove who is right; only who is left.”
“War is better at abolishing nations than nations are at abolishing wars.”
“The U.N. has been as effective against war as foghorns have been against fog.”
“In a non-Jewish restaurant you see people eating and hear them talking. In a Jewish restaurant you see people talking and hear them eating.”
“There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.”
Re: sex education in schools: “Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow.”
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on August 8, 2007 - כ"ד אב תשס"ז at 9:21 pm
Comments Off
Carlin’s Rules For 2007
By George Carlin, submitted by Fred Reifenberg
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don’t eat anyth ing that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids — lucky bastards. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on July 11, 2007 - כ"ה תמוז תשס"ז at 8:55 pm
Comments Off
