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Obama: ‘I’m Really a Space Cadet when it Comes to the Mideast’

Purim is a holiday on which Jews are expected to get tipsy, wear costumes and do silly things – including posting completely imaginary and false interviews with the President of the United States on news websites that are perfectly serious on all the other days of the year.

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Judaism, Middle East, Recent Posts on February 28, 2010 - י"ד אדר תש"ע at 9:03 am

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Q&A With Mel Brooks

By Tom Teicholz, Jewish Journal, February 23, 2010

http://www.jewishjournal.com/ tommywood/article/qa_with_mel_brooks_20100223/

JewishJournal.com exclusive audio:
Interview with Mel Brooks
Mel Brooks sings
Mel Brooks is on a hot streak: He was just a Kennedy Center Honoree (along with Dave Brubeck, Robert De Niro, Grace Bumbry and Bruce Springsteen); 20th Century Fox just released “The Mel Brooks Collection” in Blu-ray — a nine-DVD set that includes “Blazing Saddles,” “Young Frankenstein” and “Spaceballs,” among other classics; and Shout! Factory has released “The 2000 Year Old Man: The Complete History,” a three-CD, one-DVD set that collects the various incarnations in which Carl Reiner, the world’s greatest straight man, interviews a visitor who’s survived since ancient times and who speaks in a thick Jewish accent to hilarious effect.

Brooks discussed all this, and a bit more, recently in a phone interview from the offices of his production company. I am glad that I taped our conversation, because I was so excited to talk to him that I stopped taking notes after the first few questions. This is an edited version of our conversation.

Tom Teicholz: You were honored recently at the Kennedy Center in Washington, and on TV it looked like you and Bruce Springsteen were kibitzing during the whole show —
Mel Brooks: Oh yeah, well, you know I’m a big fan, and I’ve got all his — we used to call them records — [and] we were talking about how wonderful the evening was and how honored we felt sitting next to the president. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Judaism, Recent Posts on February 24, 2010 - י' אדר תש"ע at 9:11 am

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How to get international support for the Jewish settlements

In his usual tongue-in-cheek style, Israel Zwick presents a plan for obtaining international acceptance and support for the Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria.

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, December 21, 2009

Though he lived in Chicago, Barack Obama is probably too young to be familiar with Elvis Presley’s sentimental hit song, “In the Ghetto,” about a boy growing up in a Chicago ghetto. He probably is also unaware that the term “ghetto” originally referred to an area in Venice in the 16th century where Jews were confined. Jewish ghettos continued to be established throughout Europe through the end of World War II. Barack Obama may also be unaware that for the last 150 years there have been small Jewish settlements in Montana, where Jews have no cultural or historical attachments. So what does any of this have to do with Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria?

Knowing the dire conditions of urban ghettos, it unlikely that a humanitarian such as Barack Obama would support the establishment of ghettos for any ethnic group. President Obama would most likely also support the rights of Jews to establish settlements in Montana even if they have no historical connection to the land. Yet by insisting that Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria are illegitimate and should be “frozen”, Obama is confining the Jews in Israel to urban ghettos and denying them the right to establish communities in areas where they have strong religious, cultural, and historical attachments.

The USA, UN, and EU, continue to insist that Jewish settlements in Judea, Samaria, and Gaza are illegal and should not be continued. The settler movement has responded with lengthy legal and historical treatises confirming the rights of Jews to live in these areas. All to no avail. The “international community” has decided that this is all “occupied Palestinian territory” and Jews have no right to establish communities there. Of course, Arabs insist on their rights to live anywhere they want to within Israel, Europe, or North America. Only Jewish settlement should be restricted.

Jews have already been expelled from over a dozen countries in the Middle East where they used to have thriving communities. When Jews want to move into Arab areas in the Galil, Negev, or Jerusalem, they are accused of “ethnic cleansing.” The southern city of Eilat has become an expensive tourist resort for wealthy Europeans that few native Israelis can afford. That restricts most of the Jews in Israel to living in “urban ghettos” along the narrow Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem corridor and along the Mediterranean coast. Yet Barack Obama, who would surely support the rights of Jews to live in Montana, sees no problem with denying them the right to live in their ancestral homeland. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Humor, Judaism, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on December 21, 2009 - ד' טבת תש"ע at 11:20 am

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Yes, Miky, There Are Rabbis in Montana

By ERIC A. STERN, NY Times, December 5, 2009

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Humor, Judaism, Monotheistic Religions, News Articles, Recent Posts on December 6, 2009 - י"ט כסלו תש"ע at 2:51 pm

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Posted by CNP Webmaster as Education, Fun Stuff, Judaism, Monotheistic Religions, Opinion, Recent Posts on December 6, 2009 - י"ט כסלו תש"ע at 8:28 am

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How Jews got their Names….

DON’T MISS THE YIDDISH POEM AT THE END.
Other than aristocrats and wealthy people Jews did not get surnames
in Eastern Europe until the Napoleon years of the early 19th century.
Most of the Jews from countries captured by Napoleon , Russia , Poland ,
and Germany were ordered to get surnames for tax purposes.
After Napoleon’s defeat, many Jews dropped these names and returned
to ’son of’ names such as: MENDELSOHN, JACOBSON, LEVINSON, etc.
During the so called Emancipation, Jews were once more ordered to
take surnames. In Austria The Emperor Joseph made Jews take last names in
the late 1700s, Poland in 1821 and Russia in 1844. It’s probable that
some of our families have had last names for 175 years or less.
In France and the Anglo Saxon countries surnames went back to the
16th century. Also Sephardic Jews had surnames stretching back centuries..
Spain prior to Ferdinand and Isabella was a golden spot for Jews.
They were expelled by Isabella in the same year that Columbus left
for America .
The earliest American Jews were Sephardic.
In general there were Five types of names (people had to pay for their choice of names; the poor had assigned names):
1– Names that were descriptive of the head of household:
Examples:
HOCH (tall) ,
KLEIN (small),
COHEN (rabbi ),
BURGER (village dweller),
SHEIN (good looking),
LEVI (temple singer),
GROSS (large),
SCHWARTZ (dark or black),
WEISS (white),
KURTZ (short)
2 — Names describing occupations:
Examples:
HOLTZ (wood)
HOLTZKOCKER (wood chopper),
GELTSCHMIDT (goldsmith),
SCHNEIDER (tailor),
KREIGSMAN (warrior),
MALAMED (teacher)
EISEN (iron),
FISCHER (fish)
3– Names from city of residence:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Judaism on August 6, 2009 - ט"ז אב תשס"ט at 11:49 pm

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On the Lighter Side: The Wise Men of Chelm Resolve World Crises

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, January 5, 2009

Editor’s Note: Prior to World War II, there was a town in Eastern Europe called Chelm. The elders of the town were known as the Wise Men of Chelm because of their renowned aptitude for solving daily problems. As a result of the turbulence in Europe during world War II, the Wise Men of Chelm relocated to Geneva, Switzerland where they established the Dialogue for Regional and Economic Cooperation, commonly known as DREC. The group was frequently called on to use their unique wisdom to resolve world crises. CN Publications has been able to obtain a transcript of their last meeting.

Chairman: We are convening today by special request of the distinguished representative of Hamastan, Professor Ahmed Kheshbon, who is concerned about the attacks on his territory from neighboring Yidenland. Professor Kheshbon would like us to intervene and put an immediate stop to the attacks on Hamastan.

Shmeryl: Mr. Chairman, before we begin the meeting, I would like to request that the window be closed, it’s very cold outside.

Chairman: Yes, Shmeryl, I am aware that it is cold outside, but if I close the window, would it get any warmer outside? I’m sorry but I have to deny your request because it makes no sense. Before we continue  with today’s agenda, I would like to call on the Secretary to read the minutes of the last meeting.

Secretary: The first item on the agenda was a complaint that the funds that were given to Hamastan to build schools, hospitals, and housing were being abused and misdirected. Apparently, one of the contractors hired to build housing cut down some logs on top of a mountain and instead of rolling the logs down the mountain, he hired his family members to carry them down. So to avoid accusations that our funds were being misappropriated, we provided more funds to carry the logs back up the mountain and then roll them down.

Then we discussed the problems with the food program that we provided to feed the poor, suffering, hungry Hamasniks. Apparently, thieves broke into the warehouse that stored the food, carted it away on trucks, then sold it in the open market. So we appropriated more funds to buy more food but this time we built concrete walls around the food so that the thieves couldn’t get in. The only problem was that the legitimate administrators of the food program couldn’t get to the food either. So we appropriated more funds to buy ladders that were placed all around the concrete walls. This satisfied everyone and the problem was resolved.

Chairman: Now we would like to hear Prof. Kheshbon from Hamastan University explain why he asked us to convene this special meeting.

Prof. Kheshbon: Well apparently, several groups of a few bad boys were shooting some homemade firecrackers across the border into Yidenland, you know how boys can behave. The Yiden became overly upset about the small amount of damage and casualties that these firecrackers caused and started bombing our buildings, inflicting heavy damage and casualties. Now, we can accept that the Yiden might want to retaliate a bit, but it should be proportionate.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Judaism, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on January 5, 2009 - ט' טבת תשס"ט at 1:24 pm

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The Guys’ Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys’ side of the story.We always hear “the rules“From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1″
ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor on November 3, 2008 - ה' חשון תשס"ט at 9:34 am

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Ten-Point Plan to Solve All of America’s Problems

By Robin Williams

You gotta love Robin Williams……Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams’ plan…(Hard to argue with this logic!)

‘I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.’

1) ‘The  US  will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with  Germany  ,  South Korea  , the Middle East , and the  Philippines  . They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!!  France  will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Recent Posts on November 2, 2008 - ד' חשון תשס"ט at 1:05 pm

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The Folly and Triumph of Tukhes Diplomacy

By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, October 20, 2008

SETTING: Tel Aviv barroom

TIME: Saturday night, October, 2008

Avi: Hey Benni, are you following this Presidential campaign in America? What do you think of it?

Benni: I’m not following it very closely because I’m not an American citizen and can’t vote, but you’re an American citizen so whom are you voting for?

Avi: I’m not sure, it’s a tough choice between Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama, they’re both good-looking women. I haven’t decided yet.

Benni: But the Republicans also have Sarah Palin so it’s two attractive women against one.

Avi: I guess you’re right, so I’ll vote Republican. Say, do you think that with a nice Jewish name like Sarah she could be one of our girls.

Benni: You’re probably getting her confused with Linda Lingle, the Jewish governor of Hawaii. Sarah Palin is Governor of Alaska and she’s Christian.

Avi: Well, Jewish or not, she’s definitely matza chain b’enai, much more appealing than the other candidates, and easy on the eyes.

Gilad: You guys are demonstrating that Mel Brooks was right when he said in one of his satirical movies that it’s all “bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.”

Avi: What do you mean, you think it’s bullshit who becomes President of the United States, it’s the most powerful position in the world.

Gilad: No, I mean this campaign is bullshit. Both candidates are distorting statistics to their benefit, making promises that they can’t keep, and presenting proposals that will never come to fruition.

Benni: So what’s so unusual about that? What makes it different from any other election campaign in the USA or Israel?

Gilad: This election is important and there are major differences between the candidates. The American people need to realize that there are different skills involved in running a successful campaign and actually being President.

Avi: What’s the difference, if you think it’s all bullshit anyway?

Gilad: To run a good campaign, it helps to be an energetic, motivating speaker who can inspire hopes and dreams in the people and encourage them to donate money to the campaign. Being President requires different skills. When an issue arises, the President sits down to discuss it with the appropriate advisers, which may include Cabinet officers, military leaders, intelligence agencies, and Congressional leaders. He needs to gather information from many sources, evaluate the data, and use his knowledge and experience to make a decision on a course of action. Then he has to inspire confidence in the American people and Congress to accept his decision and follow through on it. So the American people have to choose which candidate will make the right decisions, not necessarily which is the best speaker or debater.

Avi: You mean I shouldn’t just vote for the best-looking First Lady?

Gilad: Unfortunately, many Americans will vote like you by just looking at superficial characteristics without evaluating who can actually make the best decisions for the American people. There are a number of factors to take into consideration.

Benni: It isn’t any different in our country, it’s the same bullshit. For the last two decades, every Israeli Prime Minister has been talking about making peace with the Palestinians and nothing ever comes of it, it’s all diplomatic bullshit.

David: In Israel, there is a better word for it. Instead of bullshit, I would call it “tukhes.”

Avi: What are you talking about, I understand bullshit, but what’s tukhes?

David: Do you mean that you young Israelis don’t even know what tukhes is? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by CNP Webmaster as Fun Stuff, Humor, Middle East Report, Opinion, Recent Posts, Zwick's Picks on October 23, 2008 - כ"ד תשרי תשס"ט at 12:10 am

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