Arab Leaders Plan for Peace in the Middle East
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, July 15, 2008
See Also: Al-Quds Times
Author’s Note: It is common knowledge that Israeli intelligence agents monitor the meetings of Arab leaders. Recently there was a secret meeting in Tehran that the Israeli agents missed. Fortunately, an anonymous source sent a transcript to CN Publications.
Editor’s Note: Though the following story is fictional, most of the details provided are true and have been vetted from a variety of sources.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
Mahmoud Abbas (Abu Mazen), President of the Palestinian Authority
Bashar Assad, President of Syria
Ismail Haniyah, Hamas leader in Gaza
Hassan Nassrallah, Hizbullah leader in Lebanon
TIME: the present
SETTING: secret underground concrete bunker somewhere in Tehran
Ahmadinejad: My dear friends, I have asked you to come here so we can discuss how we can finally eliminate the Zionist entity from our midst. It must be completely wiped off the map of our region, which belongs solely to the people of Islam. It has become evident that those martydom operations, which killed 20 or 30 Zionists riding in a bus or eating in a restaurant, would not be sufficient to drive them away. On the contrary, it only strengthened their resolve. What we need is to mount a full multimodal assault involving military, political, social, and economic measures that would completely devastate the Zionist entity. To that end, we have been supporting both Shiite and Sunni insurgencies against the American and Zionist enemies. We have been developing our Shahab-3 missile that will soon be able to reach the enemy with both conventional and nuclear warheads. If we shoot 100 missiles and only one in five reach their target, we can cause significant death and destruction to the Zionists.
For the last few years, I have been providing you all with financial and military assistance for your efforts to defeat the Zionist enemy. I have gathered you here to obtain a progress report of your efforts and to hear your plans for the future. Ismail, let’s start with you. What have you been doing in Gaza with all the money I gave you besides shooting off all those harmless firecrackers?
Haniyah: First of all, I wouldn’t minimize the effects of the rockets and mortars that we have been firing on a daily basis. We have succeeded in reducing the Zionist population and military along the border. We have disrupted their lifestyle and economy. The Zionists don’t want to live or work within the range of our rockets. Their industrial centers are threatened and they have to spend huge sums on security.
Now that they have agreed to a temporary truce, we are using the time to develop our military forces and arsenal. We have an army of 20,000 men with 30,000 rifles, 6 million rounds of ammunition, 230 tons of explosives, and scores of advanced anti-tank and anti-helicopter weapons.
Ahmadinejad: Do you really believe that you can defeat the Zionists militarily?
Haniyah: No, of course not, we don’t have their tanks and planes. However, we can make it very costly for them to attack. If they attempt any ground invasion, they will suffer significant casualties. If they attempt to attack from the sea, we have planted mines all along the coast, near their former settlements. Furthermore, since our fighters are operating from civilian areas, the Zionists would have to cause many civilian casualties to defeat us. We have our cameramen ready to send images of civilian death and destruction all around the world within minutes. BBC and CNN will broadcast them right away. The Zionists no longer have the stomach to endure military or civilian casualties. They will retreat within days, defeated and humiliated.
Ahmadinejad: Good, that’s what I like to hear. Now, Abu Mazen, what are you doing to drive the Zionists out of the West Bank?
Abbas: We are concentrating on the political and social aspects of the conflict. We have brought the “plight of the suffering Palestinians” to international prominence. Hardly a day goes by when the major news services around the world aren’t writing articles about the poor Palestinians who are suffering from the brutal Zionist aggression. We’re assisting and supporting organizations like B’tselem and Peace Now that are doing a great job of depicting the Zionist settlers as religious extremists who are stealing Palestinian lands, oppressing the Palestinian people, depleting their economy, and depriving the Palestinians of water.
In addition, we have introduced the term “Naqba” into the international lexicon. We are promoting the Naqba of 1948 as an event comparable to the Jewish Holocaust, which I minimized in my PhD thesis. International maps are now including Palestine as a geographical entity and are writing “Al-Quds” next to Jerusalem. The Jewish Temple Mount is now being referred to by its Arabic name, Haram esh-Sharif. It’s all part of our plan to promote the Palestinian people as the true indigenous population of the region and the Zionists as foreign usurpers of the land. This way, when the Zionists are defeated we will quickly obtain international recognition as the rightful owners of the land, even though we never owned it.
Ahmadinejad: Sounds like a good plan to me, keep up the good work. Now Bashar, we have been giving you lots of money and munitions. What are you doing to defeat the Zionists?
Assad: I can defeat the Zionists without firing a single shot.
Ahmadinejad: That sounds a bit haughty, how do propose to do that?
Assad: Simple, all I have to do is sign a peace treaty and they’ll give me back the Golan Heights and remove all Jewish settlements from the Golan. The Zionists have developed a big wine and agriculture industry in the Golan, they will suffer a tremendous economic loss when they relinquish it to us. Most of the Zionist settlers in the Golan are secularists who like the rural, mountain lifestyle. If they are forced to relocate, they will most likely try to move to Europe or North America.
Most important, about one-third of the water going to Zionist aquifers comes from the Golan. Once we regain control, we can “accidentally” mismanage the water resources and the Zionist entity will go dry. The Jews will not want to live there if they are rationed to one shower per week and one toilet flush per day.
Ahmadinejad: But won’t you be hurting the Palestinians as well, they get their water from the same sources?
Assad: Don’t worry about the Palestinians. When they run low on water, the International Red Cross, the UN, and human rights groups will all rush to bring water to the suffering Palestinians. The Zionists, on the other hand, will have to fend for themselves. No one is going to rush to help the Jews.
Ahmadinejad: You’re a shrewd one, Bashar. I knew I could count on you. How about you, Hassan? You’ve been quiet recently, what are you doing to defeat the Zionist entity?
Nasrallah: We’re doing plenty. After we chased the Zionists from southern Lebanon in 2000, we fabricated the issue of the Shebaa Farms as an excuse to attack the Zionists and kidnap their soldiers. We now have three times as many rockets as we did before the war in 2006. We also gained a major role in the Lebanese cabinet, so nothing can stop us now.
Ahmadinejad: How are all those firecrackers going to defeat the Zionist military machine?
Nasrallah: Simple, my friend. We can shoot over 100 rockets per day over the whole northern region. That will divert all of their emergency response teams to the north. Then when you shoot your Shahab-3 missiles at the population centers around Tel-Aviv, they will be defenseless and defeated.
Ahmadinejad: What will you do if the Zionists return Shebaa Farms to UNIFIL, what excuse will you use to attack them?
Nasrallah: That’s no problem, we’ll find another excuse to attack them, like the issue of Lebanese prisoners or reunification of Arab refugees in the Galil. It’s easy to fabricate reasons to attack the Zionists, everyone in the world is doing it. Don’t worry, we know how to defeat the Zionists, we have never let you down.
Ahmadinejad: Yes, Hassan, you have always been trustworthy. My friends, this sounds like a very good plan, I am proud of all of you. Now I would like to end this meeting the same way the Jews end their Passover Seder, by saying “L’shono habo b’Yerushalayim.” By next year, we will have this meeting in Jerusalem, or Al-Quds, the capital of the new state of Palestine. Allah Akbar!
All: Allah Akbar!