Ahmadinejad Visits His Psychiatrist
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications
Commemorating the liberation and unification of Jerusalem in June, 1967
Author’s Note: The following story was inspired by the Yiddish comedy routine of Dzigan and Shumacher titled “The Psychiatrist,” and by the Yiddish purimspiel, “The Megillah of Itzik Manger.”
SETTING: psychiatrist’s office in Tehran
Dr. Abdul Shaqoury, psychiatrist
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
Ahmadinejad: Doctor, I’m so happy you could see me today, I really need to talk with you. Usually you make me wait about three weeks to get an appointment so when your secretary told me that you had a cancellation today, I grabbed it right away.
Shaqoury: Yes, I know, she gave you the appointment before I could stop her.
Ahmadinejad: Are you suggesting that you don’t want to see me, I really need to talk, and you’re the only one who understands me.
Shaqoury: I’m not suggesting, I’m telling you straight out, read my lips, “I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Ahmadinejad: But you’re my therapist, you’re supposed to make me feel better and improve my self-confidence, you’re not supposed to give me feelings of rejection, abandonment, and isolation, that would only exacerbate my condition, not improve it.
Shaqoury: Listen, I’ve been working with you for three years now and I’ve been doing my best to help you find alternative ways to develop your self-image and self-worth but you’re so resistant. You don’t listen to anything that I say, you just insist on continuing with this nuclear bomb project. You need to find other methods to develop your self- esteem: find a hobby, develop friendships, do charity work, you know, something useful. You have to stop fixating on this nuclear bomb nonsense.
Ahmadinejad: But all my life I’ve wanted to have my very own nuclear bomb and I’m so close now, I can’t stop myself, it’s been my life’s ambition. So many other people have a nuclear bomb, i want one , too. You have to help me get through this, I need you.
Shaqoury: I can’t have you coming here anymore. You walk in with an entourage of 25 barbarian slobs that you call “security guards.” They tie up the elevator, make a lot of noise, leave cigarette butts all over, and urinate all over the washroom. My other patients are complaining. I spent 20 years to build up my practice and all my patients are leaving me since you started coming here.
Ahmadinejad: Those “barbarian slobs” are the best that the Revolutionary Guard has to offer, they are our best-trained soldiers, I’m proud of them and I need them.
Shaqoury: I don’t know how they have the coordination to shoot a rifle if they can’t aim into a toilet bowl, they keep missing. How are we supposed to have an honest, confidential conversation with six of them in the room with us?
Ahmadinejad: I have to have them, you know there are a lot of people out there who want to kill me, I can’t trust anyone, even you. I have to have them with me.
Shaqoury: Your extreme paranoia is one of the factors interfering with your therapeutic progress. You haven’t made any progress in that area.
Ahmadinejad: But it’s true, they’re all out to kill me, they would do it if they could.
Shaqoury: Who wants to kill you?
Ahmadinejad: Lots of people, but mostly the Americans and the Jews, especially the ones from that stinking sliver of land that they call Israel. I can’t take it anymore, one day I’ll get them, you’ll see. As soon as I get my nuclear bomb it will be all over, I’ll wipe them off the map. Then I’ll feel good and I won’t need you anymore.
Shaqoury: You’re devoting so much of your time, energy, and resources to develop a missile that will travel almost 2000km just to kill Jews. You really need to get over this intense hatred towards the Jews, there are still lots of them living here in Iran. They’re quiet, decent people, don’t bother anyone.
Ahmadinejad: Yes, I know, we still have 25,000 of them. They’re the largest group of Jews left in the Middle East outside of the Zionist entity. The other Muslim countries got rid of their Jews a long time ago and I’m still stuck with them. It’s all because that Shah was so good to them, he was a traitor to Islam.
Shaqoury: Until the Ayatollah came back in 1979, we had a good relationship with the Jews and with Israel, they contributed to our country’s prosperity.
Ahmadinejad: I can’t stand them, they’re descendants of that insolent Jew Mordechai who killed my ancestor Haman. Mordechai didn’t show any respect for Haman and the Jews today don’t respect me either. Mordechai conned that drunken fool King Ahaseurus into hanging Haman and his 10 wonderful sons. They would do the same to me if they could, I’m going to get them first. They’ll learn to respect me, just wait till I get that nuclear bomb, I’ll show them.
Shaqoury: You’re talking about an incident that occurred over 2000 years ago, get over it. The Jews living in Israel today are a modern, progressive people. They’ve made great advances in agricultural science, medicine, and modern technology. Our country could benefit from having a good relationship with them.
Ahmadinejad: That’s part of the problem. I am president of the 18th largest country in the world in geographical area. Iran is more than 60 times the size of Israel and has 10 times the population. We are one of the oldest civilizations in the world, and yet that little stinking Israel that’s only 60 years old continues to humiliate us. They don’t have our oil wealth but still have a stronger military and economy. They continue to humiliate me and threaten my self-dignity, I have to get rid of them. All my life I’ve been ridiculed and humiliated because of my height, I can’t take it anymore. Now I control a powerful army and when I build that nuclear bomb I’ll control the whole Middle East. Those rotten Jews won’t have a chance anymore.
Shaqoury: I see that you haven’t made any progress since we started your therapy. You’re really going to have to get this mishugas out of your head, it’s destroying you, the anger and hatred is tearing you apart.
Ahmadinejad: What’s this word “mishugas,” I’m not familiar with it?
Shaqoury: It’s a common Yiddish word that means craziness or insanity. I learned it from my Jewish friends in medical school.
Ahmadinejad: You just proved my point. Those long Jewish tentacles got to you, too. I can’t trust you anymore, I’m going to have to find another therapist.
Shaqoury: Boruch Hashem! Don’t forget to pay your bill in full on the way out, I’m not accepting assignment from your insurance company anymore, they won’t authorize more sessions.