Author’s Note: In a recent address to the UN General Assembly, Secretary-General Kofi Annan expressed sympathy for the plight of the Palestinian people who have been living under a “lengthy occupation” and have been “denied statehood.” Interestingly, he did not express any such sympathy for the thousands of distinct ethnic groups in the world that do not have their own sovereign state but still manage to live in peaceful harmony with their neighbors. Kofi Annan encourages the popular belief that the Middle East conflict could be resolved if the “Jewish settlements in the West Bank” would be removed to allow the establishment of a Judenrein Palestinian micro-state with “territorial integrity.” This 22nd Arab-Muslim state would have about 3 million inhabitants in about 6000 sq. km. As strange as this may seem, people still believe the statements made by former Secretary of State, James Baker, and former President Jimmy Carter, that the Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria are “obstacles to peace.” In truth, these pioneer Jewish communities are just attempting to reestablish a Jewish presence in areas where Jews were expelled by the Roman occupation, Christian Crusades, and Muslim conquests. So if Jews have no right to live in areas where they have strong historical, religious, and cultural connections, then it can be argued that Jews have no right to live anywhere else either. The following article explores this issue in a satirical manner.
Disengage Jewish Settlements from Florida
By Israel Zwick
This is the time of year when many young Jewish families engage in an exodus from New York to settle in the sunny, warm state of Florida. These Jewish families occupy residences in a number of hotels and apartment buildings. The large influx of Jewish families to Florida puts a tremendous strain on the infrastructure and causes friction with the native residents. It is time to consider putting an end to the Jewish occupation of Florida and removing some of the temporary settlements along the coastline.
Miami Beach has long been a haven for Jewish retirees from New York. The Jewish population in Miami-Dade County has made significant contributions to the growth, development and economy of the region. However, in the last 30 years, there have been some ominous developments in the Jewish demographics of Florida. It appears that many young Jewish families have moved northward and established settlements in Broward and Palm Beach Counties. There are now hundreds of thousands of Jews living in these counties in many different settlements. These settlements with young, Jewish families are the major obstacle to the peace and stability of the region. They will promote friction and conflict with the Muslim communities. They are posing a threat to the gentle tranquility that the State of Florida is known for and they should all be dismantled. The Jews there should be compensated and relocated to Miami-Dade County.
Demographic studies have shown that there is an increase of young Muslims moving into various Florida counties. These young Muslims are coming to Florida to study air navigation, nuclear energy, and chemical engineering. It is a common observation that when Jews live among Muslims, they tend to incite violence from the Muslim community. The presence of Jews provokes Muslims into committing a variety of violent activities. For example, the increase in the number of small synagogues encourages young Muslims to throw incendiary devices at the synagogues and paint them with strange symbols. This necessitates a response from the police and fire departments, which make a lot of noise and block traffic. It would reduce the efficiency of these emergency response teams which are needed elsewhere. The residents of Florida should not be subjected to this annoyance and then be asked to pay for additional police protection for the synagogues. This would be an unfair burden on the peaceful people of Florida.
Another example is the incitement caused by young Jewish men who walk around the streets with little black caps, and fringes sticking out of their shirts. When Muslim men observe these Jewish men, they may act on their desire to attack a Jewish infidel and consequently stab or shoot the Jew. When the Jewish victim is taken to the hospital, he may require a blood transfusion which would put a strain on the available blood supply, which is usually in short supply. Of course it is recognized that if the Jewish victim dies quickly before he gets to the hospital, then this would not be a problem.
Even young Jewish women may present and obstacle to peace and tranquility. While most young women in Florida wear minimal clothing in the hot climate, some Jewish women have been observed wearing long sleeves, long skirts, and wigs. This makes them more susceptible to heat stroke. The additional calls to 911 would put an unneeded strain on the emergency services divisions.
There is sufficient historical justification for dismantling the Jewish settlements in Broward and Palm Beach Counties. First, there is no evidence that there were any Jews with Ponce de Leon when he explored Florida in 1513. There were only a handful of Jews in Florida when it became a state in 1845. Careful study of the Jewish Torah and Talmud reveals no mention at all of the State of Florida. Archeological digs in Florida have not revealed any evidence of the presence of ancient Jewish tribes. Consequently, the Jews living in Florida have no historical, cultural, or religious connection to the State, so they have no right to be there.
Governor Bush of Florida should call an emergency meeting of the State Legislature to discuss the disengagement of Jewish settlements from Broward and Palm Beach Counties. He should issue a statement supporting the dismantling of all settlements that are occupying space in these counties. At the same time, he should reaffirm the rights of Jews to live in Miami-Dade County where they have been welcome for many years. As a symbolic gesture of goodwill, an Office of Jewish Relations should be opened in Miami. This office would work together with the Disengagement Agency. Young Jewish families who are displaced from Palm Beach to Miami, would be granted compensation of $80,000 per family to help defray the costs of moving. Until their permanent homes are ready, the displaced Jews can live in little canvas huts with bamboo roofs. Their vacated homes can then be offered at reduced prices to young Muslims who are coming to Florida from refugee camps in Gaza, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. They will be in desperate need of descent, affordable housing. This plan should provide an adequate solution to the problem of Jewish settlements, which are presenting an obstacle to peace in the region. If it doesn’t, the Legislature should convene again to discuss a Final Solution to the problem of Jewish occupation and settlement in Florida.